tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-343627482024-03-13T10:37:23.897-04:00The Carnahan ClanTwo parents, three children...living life, making mistakes, loving to the best of our ability...together.momofcolin_chloehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02973534790868712316noreply@blogger.comBlogger186125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34362748.post-41777100978415062542011-06-06T15:19:00.000-04:002011-06-06T15:19:20.046-04:00Round and round and round we go. Where it stops?Unfortunately, nobody knows. Sometimes my "grief" hits me like a ton of bricks. I don't term it depression because generally I don't consider myself depressed. Generally, I'm the happiest, most upbeat person I know. But I have days and some days I have moments, literally moments, of overwhelming sadness that makes me want to break down in tears and immediately curl up into a ball and just sob, sob, sob. I've done mood stabilizers, anxiety meds, and even medications specifically for depression. They all make me feel numb and not like ME, so I've opted to struggle through the moments on my own. I hate the irrational part of me that can't just let things go. I despise the part of me that dwells on and on and on and on. Repeating the same worries and concerns over and over again. I hate that I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it because it seems so bothersome and over the top. I feel like the moments are farther between. I think I've been on this journey through the mountains and valleys long enough to at least be able to talk myself off of the cliff with reminders that "this too shall pass." <br />
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My more constant struggle lately is with resentment. Resentment for every other mother out there who has 2, 3, 4 beautiful children who entered this world unscathed and who hit all of their milestones and won't see the insides of an operating room until they suffer heart attacks or knee replacements in their 50s if ever. *facepalm* It's shocking, right? Revolting? Of course I wish no will ill to those sweet little faces that surround me. My resentment stems only from my own deep desire for normalcy. Yes, we have our own normalcy and things go along just fine. I'm learning to accept my life and be thankful for my part in the lives of those around me. That doesn't stop the occasional growing pain in this extremely overwhelming role of Mom that I have been given.<br />
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Even as I write this, the guilt of all of the other mamas I know out there who are struggling with bigger issues than I right now waves over me. I know, I know. This is the hand I've been dealt and it could be worse. I know. That doesn't stop my irrational mind from immediately yearning because I also see that it could be better or wandering off into a push/pull struggle of why me? why not me? why me? why not me?<br />
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Jax just passed 17 months and we have yet to hear his voice. This is turning into an irritatingly touchy subject for me. He's a baby, right? So it's COMPLETELY normal for him not to be speaking, right? That's what I keep hearing, yet the professionals in our lives are throwing red flags at us left and right. As hard as I try to squeeze the neck on that little devil anxiety (so hard that his head might just pop off), I can't get the nagging to stop. We have a speech evaluation in July and then a developmental evaluation with an autism screening in August. I'm talking myself off the mountain on a fairly consistent basis right now.<br />
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Somedays the world seems pretty unfair...today is one of those days.momofcolin_chloehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02973534790868712316noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34362748.post-50351175623695842582011-01-21T00:21:00.000-05:002011-01-21T00:21:07.250-05:00SOLIDOnce again, it's been entirely too long since I posted. I can't seem to find the time to journal anything happening in our lives. I was hopeful things would slow down after the holiday but the whirlwind continues. After watching my DVR'd episode of this week's <a href="http://www.mtv.com/shows/teen_mom_2/season_1/series.jhtml">Teen Mom 2</a> (I know, hush!), I found myself unable to sleep. I literally bawled through the entire episode. One of the teen moms is struggling with discovering her child has spinal issues and the episode, including her relationship with her boyfriend, was so similar to our experience that I couldn't help but feel that pain all over again. I wasn't too far past my teen years, at just past 22, when we had Colin.<br />
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It's so stark, so blinding, so devastating...to have your world turned upside down at such a young age. A brand new relationship BOOM a brand new pregnancy BOOM a brand new life BOOM a brand new home BOOM a brand new baby BOOM and CRASH somethings WRONG not just a little wrong but WAY WRONG -- and then you spiral. I remember feeling at times like Alice in Wonderland falling down the hole filled with all the crap and unable to tell which side was up. To be honest, I still have days like that. I have never in my life felt so alone as I did the day we discovered something was way wrong. Standing in the middle of the living room, all I heard was "vertebral anomalies and spinal cord compromise" and dropped to the floor. I didn't even ask any questions...stunned. I listened to the instructions for picking up his chart and hung up the phone with only "okay" for a response. I sat there FOREVER in the middle of the floor in a shocked heap, energy zapped.<br />
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There is no way to prepare for that moment but at 22 I was beyond unprepared. My whole world had been turned upside down but through my pregnancy I was certain of one thing, I was going to be a mother to a healthy baby. I never questioned his health, not once. CRASH You can't prepare for that.<br />
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As I lay there beside Jeremy crying tonight, I have never been so thankful. Our journey together has been a very bumpy, difficult, and trying one, but we are a solid, uniform, strong, and able structure now. Just like the episode said, we are the strongest people our children know. In their eyes, we can conquer anything life hands us. It has taken work and dedication to each other. We have grown together as we grew up together. Life threw us together with the loudest BOOM possible and CRASH, we fell, but we picked each other up, time and time again, and are now carrying above us 3 amazing lives in strong, supportive arms. SOLID, we are SOLID. The strongest people they know.momofcolin_chloehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02973534790868712316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34362748.post-27740126449178984732010-12-22T16:25:00.000-05:002010-12-22T16:25:41.064-05:00A Carnahan Clip: A Rare MomentMost of the time they disagree, a lot of the time they whine, most of the time they refuse to get a long and harass each other until the ends of the earth. But every now and then, there is love and I was lucky enough to catch one of those brief and quickly fleeting moments.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_UP36AOEqiAo/TRJsMn6WZuI/AAAAAAAAATc/hWOTD1qbfsE/s1600/DSC05377.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="240" width="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_UP36AOEqiAo/TRJsMn6WZuI/AAAAAAAAATc/hWOTD1qbfsE/s320/DSC05377.JPG" /></a></div>momofcolin_chloehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02973534790868712316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34362748.post-67549230136388622462010-12-03T19:04:00.000-05:002010-12-03T19:04:13.971-05:00A Carnahan Clip: The Sun Will Come Out TODAY!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I've decided to start sharing a moment from each week of our lives. Every Friday I hope to share another Carnahan moment with you. This week's moment is courtesy of Jax. We've spent nearly the last 2 weeks cycling a variety of illness through our home. It started last Sunday with a high fever for Jax and then we moved on to share a variety of symptoms including fevers, poos, pukes, rashes, cramps, congestion, coughs. You name it, we had it. Through it all, Jax was fairly quiet and way crabby. Although he graced us with his beautiful smile through it all, there were very few joyous sounds that passed his perfect little lips. Today, the clouds lifted and little Mr. Sunshine came out to play with his sister!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dz0TQ3HZeZN4irTCJorsjwgyDy9VTrfOOzyktqR0IvnwkGSrczVAw3FIaQXvch3EGdiOdHzev8-3XE' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>momofcolin_chloehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02973534790868712316noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34362748.post-744986555074592542010-11-27T14:05:00.000-05:002010-11-27T14:05:30.198-05:00Give thanks for your life and the people in it.I am 20 days behind in my thanksgiving. I just can't seem to find the time to get on here and post. Here we go...<br />
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8. I am thankful for our wonderful network of doctors, although I dread each and every visit. I am thankful that their skilled eyes see things I don't. I am thankful that they are so cautious with my children and leave no stone unturned. They have caught issues early on and saved us from more difficult battles. I am thankful especially for our pediatricians who treat my children like their own and rejoice in the wonders we experience and offer sincerest understanding when appointments bring me to tears or rise anger in me. I am thankful for their weekend calls and constant guardianship.<br />
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9. I am thankful for my mother. I am thankful for the person she created in me. I am thankful for the friend she has become. She listens, she aches, she cheers, and sometimes she knows just what I need. For my mother, I am grateful. I'd be lost without her in my life. She has shown me true and unconditional love. She has shown me what support is and helped me march on many times when I was sure I couldn't or wouldn't take another step. She is my perfect mother and I am thankful for her life.<br />
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10. I am thankful for my sweet, sweet Colin. He has taught me that there is so much more to life than who you know and what you own. I am thankful for his life. I am thankful for every moment I have had with him and the many more to come. I am thankful for the wonderful young man he has become. I am thankful for the joy he brings me with his always open heart. I am thankful for every moment of joy he has brought me. I am thankful that he made me a mom. What a blessing that is. I am thankful for his life.<br />
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11. My father. I am thankful for my father. I am thankful that I was given a strong, determined man to call my dad. I am thankful for the time he carves out of his life to be a mentor to my son. I am thankful for the joys he has provided in both my life and the lives of my children. I am thankful for everything he has given me including my strong desire to succeed, to be something important, to do more and to never stop trying. I am thankful for his life.<br />
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12. I am thankful for my husband and our marriage. I know I already mentioned my thankfulness for this man, but it is worthy of secondary gratefulness. I am thankful that he has forgiven me time and time again. I am thankful that he is willing to deal with me and my insanity time and time again. I am thankful that he never fails to just listen. I am thankful that this very difficult road, which could have led us to very unhappy places, has ultimately brought us closer together. I am thankful for my husband, my best friend, the father of my children. I am thankful for his life.<br />
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13. I am thankful for my Jaxen. I am thankful for this boy who brings me only smiles. I am thankful for the moments I have shared with him and for the joy he brings our entire family. He is the icing on the cake and the cherry on top. He is proof that even when you think life can't be any fuller...it absolutely can. He is joy in its purest form. He is happiness, light, love, and laughter. I am thankful for his life.<br />
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14. I am thankful for my Sherri, my oldest sister, my confident. I am thankful that she can finish my sentences and I hers. I am thankful that she knows how I work. I am thankful that she takes what I see as my flaws and points them out to me as blessings. I am thankful that I've watched us grow closer together as we've grown into better women over the last decade. I am thankful for her life.<br />
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15. I am thankful for Natalie, my closest, dearest friend. I'm thankful that we've never argued or shared a hurtful word. I am thankful that I can rely on, cry on, and cheer with this wonderful person I call my very best friend. I am thankful that she came to me out of nowhere when I probably needed her most and has walked nearly every step of my life in the last 10 years with me via phone. I am thankful that she never gets annoyed at listening to my same woes OVER and OVER again and is able to laugh with me when laughing seems like the craziest thing to do. I am thankful for her life.<br />
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16. I am thankful for my mother-in-law. I know, you're not supposed to "LIKE" your mother-in-law, right? Well, I don't like mine, I love her. I am thankful for every single thing she has done for me and her son and her babies from the day we each entered her life. I am thankful that she never criticizes and always supports. I am thankful for her life.<br />
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17. I am thankful for the grandparents up the road who have become mine. Time and time again, they have become our biggest supporters. I can't imagine a life without them. They have taught me what it means to be giving and unconditionally loving. They have taught me what it means to have a true extended family. I am thankful for them as role models in not only my life but in the lives of my children. I am thankful for their lives.<br />
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18. I am thankful for my girl. I am thankful for my only girl. She has shown me what it means to "be yourself." I am thankful for the deep love she shares with me for her father. She loves him for all the same reasons I do and I am thankful to share that with her. I am thankful for her strength and need to be first in everything she does. I am thankful for her laughter. I am thankful for her life.<br />
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19. I am thankful for each sole who has walked down this road of 32 years with me. Although I have only mentioned those closest to me in every day here, I am thankful for each and every person who has shared this life with me. Life is not about where you have been but who was there with you, and I have been blessed with by amazing soles every step of the way. I am thankful for each and every life who has made an impression on mine. I am thankful for your lives.<br />
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20. My life is honestly nothing like I envisioned it as a young girl. My fantasies were so big, so ideal, so perfect. I am thankful for my imperfect, wonky, and sometimes very difficult life. I can also honestly say that it this is a very hard thing for me to give thanks for, because inside that little girl wishes she were living her dream and that things were big and ideal and absolutely perfect. But, I must remind myself that the imperfections that have presented themselves from the time I began to grow from a child into the woman that I am have made me this person. If things were BIG and ideal and PERFECT, I'm pretty sure I'd be boring, trite, and selfish. I am thankful for my life even though sometimes it's a very difficult life to live. I am thankful for my life.<br />
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Give thanks!momofcolin_chloehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02973534790868712316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34362748.post-41375442396895777902010-11-24T15:48:00.000-05:002010-11-24T15:48:15.358-05:00Cloth Diapers?Check out <a href="http://www.ragababe.com/Home_Page.html">RagaBabe</a> Cloth Diapers. They are doing a giveaway for Black Friday! Great looking diapers!momofcolin_chloehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02973534790868712316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34362748.post-28893379343036209502010-11-07T15:38:00.006-05:002010-11-07T16:06:07.535-05:00Give thanks even when you're miserable.Having one of those days. I have no reason to be miserable, yet I am. Not just slightly cranky but downright miserable. Today is one of those days where I find I must open my mouth with caution because, intended or not, everything that comes forth is full of contempt. I had planned to post my thanks for the last 4 days today but avoided it for the better part of the day because of my miserability. (How's that for the word of the day?!?) Then it dawned on me that there's no better day to give thanks than this one while I'm living inside of this very miserable me.<br /><br />4. I am thankful for time with friends. These moments are few and far between for various reasons. The first reason being that the majority have long ago moved away and the second being my lack of time and motivation to coordinate time without my children. Sad, I know. But last night, Jeremy stayed home with the kids so that I could spend some very much needed time with friends. I am very thankful for this and yet I'm still cranky.<br /><br />5. I am thankful for my children. I am thankful for my children. I am thankful for my children even when they cry, fight, scream, and yell. I am thankful for my children when they wake up at 5:30 in the morning. I am thankful for my children when they can't find a way to get along and struggle to be kind to each other. I am thankful for my children when they manage to destroy everything they touch and cry at the drop of a block. I am thankful for my children when they can't listen and are full of attitude. Despite all, I am thankful for my children because I know the moments of joy outweigh these days of struggle.<br /><br />6. I am thankful for my tasks. I am thankful for the dishes, laundry, and dirty floors because they represent a house full of people to love. I am thankful for the dust that settles on my furniture at alarmingly rapid rates because it represents the beautiful dirt lane leading to the wonderfully charming house nestled in the hollow on the land we call home. I am thankful for the dogs who lead to the need to vacuum on a way too constant basis. I am thankful for my never-ending tasks because my life would be less full without the amazing creatures who trail this mess behind them.<br /><br />7. I am thankful for me. Today, I am thankful for me. I am thankful for the person I've become. I am thankful for the mother that I am. I am thankful that I am kind, giving, thoughtful, loving, caring, considerate, intelligent, and creative even though today, I am miserable. I am thankful for miserable me.<br /><br />Give thanks.momofcolin_chloehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02973534790868712316noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34362748.post-23935607253661144472010-11-03T09:19:00.002-04:002010-11-03T09:27:18.280-04:00Give thanks.So, I'm starting a few days late, but everyday this month I'm going to give thanks for something in my life.<br /><br />1. Rest. After 10 months, Jaxen slept through the night last night. A few weeks ago, we eliminated Chloe's naps and she too is sleeping better and more soundly. I have gotten good sleep for days in a row. Today, I am thankful for rest. (Although secretly I'm missing having one or both of them in bed with me at some point in the night. shhh!)<br /><br />2. Calm. I am thankful that my life has reached a point where, for the most part, it flows like a steady river. No raging rapids and no emotional rollercoasters. I'm thankful for predictable calm.<br /><br />3. Jeremy. Without my wonderful husband and his dedication to me and our children, I would not have #1 and #2. I am thankful to no longer be working so that I can dedicate my time to taking care of my family fully while remaining stable, calm, and rested.<br /><br />Give thanks.momofcolin_chloehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02973534790868712316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34362748.post-53647496240191139062010-10-05T14:38:00.002-04:002010-10-05T14:45:00.632-04:00Any relation?You think these kids are related?<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_UP36AOEqiAo/TKtwxQKaHjI/AAAAAAAAATM/P9kHmVOdMtU/s1600/Crazy+Chloe.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 235px; height: 271px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_UP36AOEqiAo/TKtwxQKaHjI/AAAAAAAAATM/P9kHmVOdMtU/s320/Crazy+Chloe.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5524633359354568242" /></a><br />Chloe at around a year.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_UP36AOEqiAo/TKtxioXIOyI/AAAAAAAAATU/35TvEEyqCpM/s1600/pucker+face+jax.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 274px; height: 320px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_UP36AOEqiAo/TKtxioXIOyI/AAAAAAAAATU/35TvEEyqCpM/s320/pucker+face+jax.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5524634207663962914" /></a><br />Jax at 8 months.<br /><br />I saw this picture of Chloe from earlier in my blog and couldn't believe how much Jax looks like her! Too funny!momofcolin_chloehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02973534790868712316noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34362748.post-8156873092523824822010-10-04T13:34:00.002-04:002010-10-04T14:00:41.559-04:005 out of 7Five out of seven ain't bad, if we're talking spelling tests. The Carnahan Clan just finished up a long week of doctor's visits. Three trips to Children's and 2 local appointments and we are thrilled to have a break for 10 days currently with no appointments. Previous to this week, Colin also had a checkup with orthopedics and all is well. They noticed a slight increase in the overall curvature of the spine, but nothing to write home about. We'll continue watchful waiting...back in another 6 months. Monday at the cranio-cleft clinic, all looks well for facial growth with the exception of his jaw, which continues to show a slight lag in growth. We'll return middle of the month for molds to prepare for braces. Not sure of the exact course of action yet, but we know that an expander is involved to allow room for his adult teeth to come in. A few of the adult teeth haven't come in from baby teeth that left more than a year ago. So...no fun, but normal kid complaints on that whole deal. Tuesday, he went to the regular pediatrician for a sinus infection. The good news? This is only the 2nd round of antibiotics for sinus infections in the past year. YES...YEAR! Which brings us to the pulmononologist, who we saw on Friday. Apparently, the new inhaler regimen is working in addition to being revaccinated last fall with Pneumovax. Colin is overall much healthier in general and, trust me, we've taken note. It's wonderful! Additionally, they repeated pulmonary function tests to verify that his overall lung volume was consistent with the last visit. It was. Overall, he is coming in at 79%. Normal ends right at 80%, so we'll take it. Because of his fused ribs and abnormalities that stem from the rib-to-spine junction (I'm sure there's a more technical term), he doesn't have great rib movement and therefore the lungs can't expand as fully as they might otherwise. So again, watchful waiting, if the curvature increases any, the rib maneuverability might decrease more and decrease lung volume more, which ultimately may result in pulmonary therapy to help prevent increased infections again. Fingers crossed things stay the same and we never cross the PT bridge. But, I can't express how thankful I am to finally have some of his chest pain/asthma/infection issues under better control. AND, he thinks he's running faster these days. :) Huge bonus, of course!<br /><br />Jax visited the gastroenterology clinic today at Children's to see if we can't get a little better control over his reflux and the night waking. We're stopping the Zantac and moving to Prevacid twice a day rather than just once. I'm hopeful this will make things better as his tummy seems mostly to hurt only at night whereas mornings after the Prevacid are pretty good. They'd like to do a barium swallow to see how he handles food from mouth to belly, since he still prefers liquid food over solid for the most part and does a lot of choking and gagging. They've also referred him for a food therapy evaluation to see if he is on target for his age. I haven't scheduled either of those yet. Going to see how the Prevacid works and go from there. I honestly think that if his stomach were under better control, he'd be a much better eater. Who wants to eat with heartburn? Not I said the fly.<br /><br />The last appointment was for me for a followup from a uterine infection...crazy, I know. No clue how that happened and if it hadn't been for my annual GYN visit, I probably wouldn't have even known. I guess that's why it's important to go every year. Not preaching, just sayin! But after 2 weeks of antibiotics, I have some energy back. YAH!! Apparently I couldn't blame my exhaustion completely on Jax's inability to stay asleep for more than 3 hours at a time.<br /><br />So that's the story...horribly long week is over. I seriously need a better personal assistant. This one does a horrible job of scheduling appointments at even intervals so I'm not overwhelmed. *sigh* Good help is so very hard to find these days. Anyone looking for a job? The monetary pay sucks, but it includes lots of priceless hugs and kisses from 3 super adorable kids!!momofcolin_chloehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02973534790868712316noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34362748.post-35173480773221639362010-09-24T15:57:00.001-04:002010-09-24T15:57:38.361-04:00Jaxen on the Move!<object type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="240" height="180" data="http://www.flickr.com/apps/video/stewart.swf?v=71377" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000"> <param name="flashvars" value="intl_lang=en-us&photo_secret=16ff7c48e8&photo_id=5020682349&flickr_show_info_box=true"></param> <param name="movie" value="http://www.flickr.com/apps/video/stewart.swf?v=71377"></param> <param name="bgcolor" value="#000000"></param> <param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed type="application/x-shockwave-flash" src="http://www.flickr.com/apps/video/stewart.swf?v=71377" bgcolor="#000000" allowfullscreen="true" flashvars="intl_lang=en-us&photo_secret=16ff7c48e8&photo_id=5020682349&flickr_show_info_box=true" height="180" width="240"></embed></object><br /><span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/thecarnahanclan/5020682349/">Jaxen on the move.</a> <br />Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/thecarnahanclan/">momofcolin_chloe</a></span><br clear="all" /><p>We're on the go folks. He doesn't move to fast unless he's after his train. Anytime you get it started he goes after it. Tons of fun!</p>momofcolin_chloehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02973534790868712316noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34362748.post-91977985843523524742010-09-21T11:54:00.006-04:002010-09-21T12:40:35.832-04:00Chudder and His Brudder ButterChloe has always had her own little language. She was slow to start with only 1 word at a year and when she did get going she started speaking her own little language that we refer to as "Chloese." She intermingles correct words improperly into everyday conversations that bring us to tears with laughter. For example, polka dots were polka nuts for a while. Once, she was very adamant that she couldn't wear her "soup (suit) into the freckles (sprinkler) with her see-saws (sandles) because they will make mustards (blisters)." Her speech has gotten better but she often reverts to Chloese. Most recently, I've been attending yogurt (yoga) class.<br /><br />Jeremy and I were having a very vivid discussion that I expect most couples have every now and again. The whole wife thinks husband is not doing enough discussion when said wife is overwhelmed and breaks down. I came from a single-parent home and disagreements were not a part of my earlier years as my parents divorced when I was very young. As a result, I suck with confrontational situations. I avoid them; I don't resolve them well; they make me anxious. As a result of this, Jeremy and I have never carried on our adult discussions behind closed doors, especially in relation to household activities. I think it's crucial for our kids to see that we can "discuss," resolve, and move on all while proving that you can disagree and still love each other. That being said, we were having a "discussion," which mostly consisted of me melting down and crying about being featured on an upcoming episode of "Hoarders," while Jeremy cautiously agreed with me that we needed to do more even though he thought he was clearly doing enough...which he is. I'm just a tad psycho due to exhaustion.<br /><br />To which Chloe shouts out "be nice to Chudder" and Jeremy responds "Who's Chudder?" To which I giggle "You know Chudder," pointing to Colin,<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_UP36AOEqiAo/TJjaCzeHPYI/AAAAAAAAAS0/ZzfaGR-nt1o/s1600/IMG_1112.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_UP36AOEqiAo/TJjaCzeHPYI/AAAAAAAAAS0/ZzfaGR-nt1o/s320/IMG_1112.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5519401085053648258" /></a><br />"and his other brudder, Butter," pointing to Jaxen, sending us all into a fit of laughter, except of course Chloe who is never amused by the jaunting. Poor girl. I love Chloese. I know the days are limited until it completely disappears and is replaced by well-spoken English.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_UP36AOEqiAo/TJjcOGNis5I/AAAAAAAAAS8/t6UinoQPN8M/s1600/IMG_0045.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_UP36AOEqiAo/TJjcOGNis5I/AAAAAAAAAS8/t6UinoQPN8M/s320/IMG_0045.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5519403478086235026" /></a>momofcolin_chloehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02973534790868712316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34362748.post-88648221842853223852010-09-19T03:45:00.006-04:002010-09-19T20:28:35.027-04:00What's Wrong?First, let's discuss what's wrong with me blogging at 3:45 a.m. Many things. Insomnia seems to be the newest method by which my body likes to torture itself. So alas, after lying in bed for hours, I just give up. The first few hours come easily and then upon Jaxen's late night rendezvous, which usually begins around 1-2 a.m., I lie in bed thinking, tossing, and turning.<br /><br />Tonight's thoughts revolved around a conversation I had with another mom. For the full picture, we have to flashback. Are you ready? Ten years ago, I was given this beautiful baby boy. Ten years ago I was thrilled to have him in my life. As odd as it may seem, Jeremy and I never really questioned Colin's health upon his birth. Shocking, I know. But we had been given this little man and he was ours and he was simply better than ANYTHING we had ever thought possible. He was perfect. Simply perfect. It wasn't until we started noticing small developmental issues like not holding himself upright well and eating and digestive issues that we questioned anything. Still, on more than one occasion as I walked through a store or sat waiting in line with him somewhere, another person would question me asking "what's wrong with him?" My response: "NOTHING." Simply put, he is perfect. He was perfect, he is perfect. He is Colin. Simply put. I refuse to answer that question with anything more.<br /><br />So recently, Colin, after quite a long time of having his hair long, which hid the ear he has had reconstructed, decided to go short again. Mind you, the hair was not long for this purpose; he simply liked the style. Of course, the new cut inevitably put his most noticeable difference on more prominent display. I admit, I was nervous about the return to school for him. Not that the long hair kept him from having to deal with his issues, but I was sure that it helped alleviate the frequency of curiosity from the other kids. He returned home shortly after school began confirming my suspicions. "Everyone's asking me what happened to my ear," he says. "And what do you say," I ask. "Nothing." At first, I thought he meant he didn't respond to the question. To which I giggled and responded that curiosity would cause them to continue to ask, especially if he didn't respond. To which he promptly assured me, "No, I say NOTHING." To which I giggled again and responded "well, they still may continue to ask," and he asked why. I tried to equate it to another kid coming into school the next day with a broken leg being asked the same question and responding in the same manner. (I know, TERRIBLE comparison, but I'm doing my best here...it's a learning curve.) I said, "even if he said nothing, you would still be curious because, clearly, something happened, so you might continue to ask." Colin responded "no, I wouldn't. I would assume that if he said nothing he didn't want to talk about it and wouldn't ask again." Smart boy.<br /><br />So, back to the conversation I had with the other mother today. At the start of boy scouts this week, the short hair brought on some similar conversations with some of the cubbies who don't attend Colin's school, and another mother shared the conversation she overheard. One of the boys asked Colin "what's wrong with your ear?" Colin's response: "What's wrong with your face?"<br /><br />Okay, so I won't openly condone that retort in conversation with him. I silently cheered. Inside, I was jumping up and down and shaking my pom-poms. It's simply wrong to ask what is WRONG with a person who has a difference. Differences aren't WRONG. In anticipation of the difficult adolescent years, I have clearly not given this child the credit he deserves. I think I've been worrying about a whole lot of something that is clearly, NOTHING.momofcolin_chloehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02973534790868712316noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34362748.post-80225841772286502592010-09-17T13:00:00.001-04:002010-09-17T13:00:55.436-04:00Quote of the Day“We never know what is enough until we know what's more than enough.” Billie Holiday.momofcolin_chloehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02973534790868712316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34362748.post-20537127425103177302010-09-16T13:54:00.005-04:002010-09-17T13:01:54.823-04:00Contentment in ChaosThe Clan has exploded and in trying to catch the pieces, I've neglected my blog. Baby Jax entered the world just short of 9 months ago and the pregnancy and days and then months following have been shear chaos. I love having him in my life; I'm still adjusting to the chaos that 3 children bring to our home. Jax, of course, like Colin and Chloe has reflux. With each child, it's gotten worse and his is by far the worst. Prevacid in the morning and Zantac at night and rice in the bottles and still it persists. It's been a long, sleepless 9 months. He is the chubbiest baby I can honestly say I have EVER seen. I love every roll. Colin and Chloe are as in love with him as Jeremy and I are. It's been amazing to watch this beastly bundle of joy bring our family closer together than I ever thought possible. He is our heart and our sun and makes us all smile constantly. The times that Colin and Chloe have announced that they are so glad we have "bubba" are numerous and it overjoys my heart. I'm so thankful for him.<br /><br />So...my house is a wreck, I've only dried my hair a total of 3 times in 9 months, we're all running on less sleep, and we're blissfully happy. I can honestly say through the exhaustion, I've never been happier. I think the Clan is complete.momofcolin_chloehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02973534790868712316noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34362748.post-6326901074223208022009-06-03T09:49:00.001-04:002009-06-03T09:51:56.759-04:0020/20We were so off. We really felt like Colin's vision had changed drastically but the doc says nope! YAH! Still 20/20. We were prepping him for glasses just in case and he was actually disappointed that he wasn't getting them!! I'm, of course, thrilled for him. Well, I suppose it's safe to say that not eating carrots hasn't affected him.momofcolin_chloehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02973534790868712316noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34362748.post-74957389175583888602008-07-17T07:51:00.002-04:002008-07-17T08:02:43.846-04:00Celebration!!! Today is the day...You turn 8!! I feel happier today than I have on any other birthday. Each year my love for you grows and gives me more reason to celebrate your life! You have given me more than I ever could have imagined. I'm watching you turn into a pre-teen already. Full of opinions (which you are more than willing to share) and already you are more than willing to lock yourself in your room with the tv. Too bad you haven't figured out that the older you get the more you are supposed to enjoy sleep! The older you get, the more the reality sets in that you will be grown and gone one day. I can't imagine a day without you in my house. Thank goodness you're not to old to crawl into my lap or cuddle. I am proud of who you are becoming (even the strong-headed parts of you that like to debate with me about EVERYTHING!). You are strong in heart and mind. A helper, a pleaser, a friend, and a wonderful brother and son. I love you, my boy!! Your momma!momofcolin_chloehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02973534790868712316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34362748.post-58906951029506992932008-04-12T07:57:00.004-04:002008-04-12T08:02:11.708-04:002 weeks to countdown!Can't believe it's already time!!! Although we don't close on our house until May 9th, we've decided to move on the April 26 and 27. Jeremy's work schedule goes a little haywire after that, so we want to allow ourselves enough time to get things cleaned and finalized before closing. We are stripping wallpaper and painting and packing. The kids are loving the freedom of our new house. So much space and no worries. It really is wonderful that they can just run free. I can't wait until the first nice morning we wake there and I can usher them outside at the crack of dawn. There is so much to do and so little time and I'm trying to have faith that it will all come together. It always does!momofcolin_chloehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02973534790868712316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34362748.post-89861867222085400312008-04-04T10:05:00.001-04:002008-04-04T10:06:49.530-04:00My theory on housework is......if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you? <br /><br />~Erma Bombeck<br /><br />I will constantly be reminding myself of this one over the course of the next few months.momofcolin_chloehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02973534790868712316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34362748.post-10093011294487329792008-04-03T19:33:00.003-04:002008-04-03T19:38:13.563-04:00A Curve is a Curve...No change whatsoever. Things are holding...and we'll hold for another 6 months until the next appointment. Sighs of relief for things staying the same.<br /><br />The kids and I had a great trip. Parking wasn't impossible to come by, so we breezed right in. Got to the doc's office and there was no one in the waiting room because of the horrendous parking, claimed the receptionist. Really?!? We were there less than an hour and made it home at a decent hour for dinner when we ordinarily would have been caught in rush hour traffic. Golden. Chloe was playful and pleasant thanks to an unexpected snooze in the back seat and Colin was thrilled to be out of school early.<br /><br />Three cheers for a low stress day.momofcolin_chloehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02973534790868712316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34362748.post-88339476342742245162008-04-02T07:57:00.004-04:002009-06-05T19:28:08.362-04:00CyclicalMy life is cyclical in regard to my emotions. I tend to go through serious bouts of depression periodically which directly correlate with Colin's 6 month check-ups. It was termed at one point by a doctor along the way as chronic grief. Before the next series of appointments, I can't seem to keep myself from panicking about the possibilities of what they might find. The routine appointments are absolutely necessary. They are the only way to catch something ugly before it gets too ugly and yet everything in me seems to avoid making them. I actually avoided making them earlier on in the year because "we had too much going on." I'm confessing here and now that the truth of the matter is that I wasn't ready to deal with the emotions that sweep over me. Partially because, indeed, we have too much going on and I didn't want to feel the way I have been with everything else happening at the same time. I could see the train wreck ahead. The whole thing backfired. I've spent the past 2 weeks fighting back tears daily, which I KNOW is ridiculous. I can try and convince myself of this as much as I want; it does not matter. The sadness and frustration will remain...for weeks, perhaps months. Sleepless nights, headaches, guilt, anger... I also find myself avoiding talking about it. I feel ridiculous. He's a great kid. There's nothing wrong. Everything is always fine, I say. The emotions remain. Usually I schedule far enough in advance that his appointments are bam-bam-bam right in a row. In this instance, they'll be spread from now until June. And today begins the countdown to our move 30 days left. This round of emotions have been exceptionally overwhelming.l. I wish I could put a stick in the wheel and stop the spinning...find a way to jam the process.momofcolin_chloehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02973534790868712316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34362748.post-80726529684255402912008-03-09T09:54:00.004-04:002008-03-09T09:59:56.846-04:00We sold this house!!!<a href="http://bp1.blogger.com/_UP36AOEqiAo/R9PtLDc0PAI/AAAAAAAAAMw/Cplj-qlybb4/s1600-h/660+Chestnut+Front.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://bp1.blogger.com/_UP36AOEqiAo/R9PtLDc0PAI/AAAAAAAAAMw/Cplj-qlybb4/s320/660+Chestnut+Front.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5175741170939345922" /></a><br />In 11 days! We are thrilled and feeling very thankful! We accepted our first offer yesterday of only $3,000 less than our asking price and cannot believe that things happened so quickly, especially with the way the market is right now. We will close on May 8 and have a lot of packing to do here and painting to do at the new house, but we couldn't be happier. Jeremy asked me more than once yesterday what we were missing because it was all too great!!<br /><br />Our home on Chestnut Street will be greatly missed. It holds a ton of memories, but we're ready for the next chapter in this novel.momofcolin_chloehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02973534790868712316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34362748.post-9645969476870871172007-12-31T21:13:00.000-05:002007-12-31T21:26:01.210-05:00Hope your New Year is filled......with dreams as big as castles that are filled with sweet fairy dust!!!<br /><br /><a href="http://bp3.blogger.com/_UP36AOEqiAo/R3mjoiYKblI/AAAAAAAAAMM/IeUGqWBURQs/s1600-h/December055.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://bp3.blogger.com/_UP36AOEqiAo/R3mjoiYKblI/AAAAAAAAAMM/IeUGqWBURQs/s320/December055.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5150327565693120082" /></a><br /><a href="http://bp1.blogger.com/_UP36AOEqiAo/R3mjpCYKbmI/AAAAAAAAAMU/XwOKyD0fbGU/s1600-h/December001-1.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://bp1.blogger.com/_UP36AOEqiAo/R3mjpCYKbmI/AAAAAAAAAMU/XwOKyD0fbGU/s320/December001-1.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5150327574283054690" /></a><br />These are two of the favorite gifts from Christmas. A set of blocks from Grandpa Helsing that will allow our boy with the neverending imagination to build just about anything his heart desires and a fairy outfit (and tent) from Great Grammie Ferra that is our little diva's heart's desire.<br /><br />Wishing you all the best in the New Year!momofcolin_chloehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02973534790868712316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34362748.post-16432578409621728242007-12-26T14:12:00.000-05:002007-12-26T14:13:07.572-05:00Merry Christmas!<a href="http://bp0.blogger.com/_UP36AOEqiAo/R3KnriYKbkI/AAAAAAAAAME/MWOfHqWS6Jc/s1600-h/DSC04035.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://bp0.blogger.com/_UP36AOEqiAo/R3KnriYKbkI/AAAAAAAAAME/MWOfHqWS6Jc/s320/DSC04035.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5148361690442264130" /></a><br />From our house to yours!momofcolin_chloehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02973534790868712316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34362748.post-67315102988164168952007-12-19T09:24:00.000-05:002007-12-19T09:29:11.095-05:00My boy can't wait.Today we celebrate a year surgery free. We canceled a surgery that was scheduled for this past Monday. It wasn't critical...it can wait...this Christmas we will celebrate without bandages and pain meds. It can wait because my boy can't. He's growing up and he deserves to remember a Christmas that includes Santa and no pain. It will wait.momofcolin_chloehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02973534790868712316noreply@blogger.com3