The Carnahan Clan

Round and round and round we go. Where it stops?

2011-06-06T15:19:00.000-04:00

Unfortunately, nobody knows. Sometimes my "grief" hits me like a ton of bricks. I don't term it depression because generally I don't consider myself depressed. Generally, I'm the happiest, most upbeat person I know. But I have days and some days I have moments, literally moments, of overwhelming sadness that makes me want to break down in tears and immediately curl up into a ball and just sob, sob, sob. I've done mood stabilizers, anxiety meds, and even medications specifically for depression. They all make me feel numb and not like ME, so I've opted to struggle through the moments on my own. I hate the irrational part of me that can't just let things go. I despise the part of me that dwells on and on and on and on. Repeating the same worries and concerns over and over again. I hate that I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it because it seems so bothersome and over the top. I feel like the moments are farther between. I think I've been on this journey through the mountains and valleys long enough to at least be able to talk myself off of the cliff with reminders that "this too shall pass."

My more constant struggle lately is with resentment. Resentment for every other mother out there who has 2, 3, 4 beautiful children who entered this world unscathed and who hit all of their milestones and won't see the insides of an operating room until they suffer heart attacks or knee replacements in their 50s if ever. *facepalm* It's shocking, right? Revolting? Of course I wish no will ill to those sweet little faces that surround me. My resentment stems only from my own deep desire for normalcy. Yes, we have our own normalcy and things go along just fine. I'm learning to accept my life and be thankful for my part in the lives of those around me. That doesn't stop the occasional growing pain in this extremely overwhelming role of Mom that I have been given.

Even as I write this, the guilt of all of the other mamas I know out there who are struggling with bigger issues than I right now waves over me. I know, I know. This is the hand I've been dealt and it could be worse. I know. That doesn't stop my irrational mind from immediately yearning because I also see that it could be better or wandering off into a push/pull struggle of why me? why not me? why me? why not me?

Jax just passed 17 months and we have yet to hear his voice. This is turning into an irritatingly touchy subject for me. He's a baby, right? So it's COMPLETELY normal for him not to be speaking, right? That's what I keep hearing, yet the professionals in our lives are throwing red flags at us left and right. As hard as I try to squeeze the neck on that little devil anxiety (so hard that his head might just pop off), I can't get the nagging to stop. We have a speech evaluation in July and then a developmental evaluation with an autism screening in August. I'm talking myself off the mountain on a fairly consistent basis right now.

Somedays the world seems pretty unfair...today is one of those days.

SOLID

2011-01-21T00:21:00.000-05:00

Once again, it's been entirely too long since I posted. I can't seem to find the time to journal anything happening in our lives. I was hopeful things would slow down after the holiday but the whirlwind continues. After watching my DVR'd episode of this week's Teen Mom 2 (I know, hush!), I found myself unable to sleep. I literally bawled through the entire episode. One of the teen moms is struggling with discovering her child has spinal issues and the episode, including her relationship with her boyfriend, was so similar to our experience that I couldn't help but feel that pain all over again. I wasn't too far past my teen years, at just past 22, when we had Colin.

It's so stark, so blinding, so devastating...to have your world turned upside down at such a young age. A brand new relationship BOOM a brand new pregnancy BOOM a brand new life BOOM a brand new home BOOM a brand new baby BOOM and CRASH somethings WRONG not just a little wrong but WAY WRONG -- and then you spiral. I remember feeling at times like Alice in Wonderland falling down the hole filled with all the crap and unable to tell which side was up. To be honest, I still have days like that. I have never in my life felt so alone as I did the day we discovered something was way wrong. Standing in the middle of the living room, all I heard was "vertebral anomalies and spinal cord compromise" and dropped to the floor. I didn't even ask any questions...stunned. I listened to the instructions for picking up his chart and hung up the phone with only "okay" for a response. I sat there FOREVER in the middle of the floor in a shocked heap, energy zapped.

There is no way to prepare for that moment but at 22 I was beyond unprepared. My whole world had been turned upside down but through my pregnancy I was certain of one thing, I was going to be a mother to a healthy baby. I never questioned his health, not once. CRASH You can't prepare for that.

As I lay there beside Jeremy crying tonight, I have never been so thankful. Our journey together has been a very bumpy, difficult, and trying one, but we are a solid, uniform, strong, and able structure now. Just like the episode said, we are the strongest people our children know. In their eyes, we can conquer anything life hands us. It has taken work and dedication to each other. We have grown together as we grew up together. Life threw us together with the loudest BOOM possible and CRASH, we fell, but we picked each other up, time and time again, and are now carrying above us 3 amazing lives in strong, supportive arms. SOLID, we are SOLID. The strongest people they know.

A Carnahan Clip: A Rare Moment

2010-12-22T16:25:00.000-05:00

Most of the time they disagree, a lot of the time they whine, most of the time they refuse to get a long and harass each other until the ends of the earth. But every now and then, there is love and I was lucky enough to catch one of those brief and quickly fleeting moments.

A Carnahan Clip: The Sun Will Come Out TODAY!

2010-12-03T19:04:00.000-05:00

I've decided to start sharing a moment from each week of our lives. Every Friday I hope to share another Carnahan moment with you. This week's moment is courtesy of Jax. We've spent nearly the last 2 weeks cycling a variety of illness through our home. It started last Sunday with a high fever for Jax and then we moved on to share a variety of symptoms including fevers, poos, pukes, rashes, cramps, congestion, coughs. You name it, we had it. Through it all, Jax was fairly quiet and way crabby. Although he graced us with his beautiful smile through it all, there were very few joyous sounds that passed his perfect little lips. Today, the clouds lifted and little Mr. Sunshine came out to play with his sister!!

Give thanks for your life and the people in it.

2010-11-27T14:05:00.000-05:00

I am 20 days behind in my thanksgiving. I just can't seem to find the time to get on here and post. Here we go...

8. I am thankful for our wonderful network of doctors, although I dread each and every visit. I am thankful that their skilled eyes see things I don't. I am thankful that they are so cautious with my children and leave no stone unturned. They have caught issues early on and saved us from more difficult battles. I am thankful especially for our pediatricians who treat my children like their own and rejoice in the wonders we experience and offer sincerest understanding when appointments bring me to tears or rise anger in me. I am thankful for their weekend calls and constant guardianship.

9. I am thankful for my mother. I am thankful for the person she created in me. I am thankful for the friend she has become. She listens, she aches, she cheers, and sometimes she knows just what I need. For my mother, I am grateful. I'd be lost without her in my life. She has shown me true and unconditional love. She has shown me what support is and helped me march on many times when I was sure I couldn't or wouldn't take another step. She is my perfect mother and I am thankful for her life.

10. I am thankful for my sweet, sweet Colin. He has taught me that there is so much more to life than who you know and what you own. I am thankful for his life. I am thankful for every moment I have had with him and the many more to come. I am thankful for the wonderful young man he has become. I am thankful for the joy he brings me with his always open heart. I am thankful for every moment of joy he has brought me. I am thankful that he made me a mom. What a blessing that is. I am thankful for his life.

11. My father. I am thankful for my father. I am thankful that I was given a strong, determined man to call my dad. I am thankful for the time he carves out of his life to be a mentor to my son. I am thankful for the joys he has provided in both my life and the lives of my children. I am thankful for everything he has given me including my strong desire to succeed, to be something important, to do more and to never stop trying. I am thankful for his life.

12. I am thankful for my husband and our marriage. I know I already mentioned my thankfulness for this man, but it is worthy of secondary gratefulness. I am thankful that he has forgiven me time and time again. I am thankful that he is willing to deal with me and my insanity time and time again. I am thankful that he never fails to just listen. I am thankful that this very difficult road, which could have led us to very unhappy places, has ultimately brought us closer together. I am thankful for my husband, my best friend, the father of my children. I am thankful for his life.

13. I am thankful for my Jaxen. I am thankful for this boy who brings me only smiles. I am thankful for the moments I have shared with him and for the joy he brings our entire family. He is the icing on the cake and the cherry on top. He is proof that even when you think life can't be any fuller...it absolutely can. He is joy in its purest form. He is happiness, light, love, and laughter. I am thankful for his life.

14. I am thankful for my Sherri, my oldest sister, my confident. I am thankful that she can finish my sentences and I hers. I am thankful that she knows how I work. I am thankful that she takes what I see as my flaws and points them out to me as blessings. I am thankful that I've watched us grow closer together as we've grown into better women over the last decade. I am thankful for her life.

15. I am thankful for Natalie, my closest, dearest friend. I'm thankful that we've never argued or shared a hurtful word. I am thankful that I can rely on, cry on, and cheer with this wonderful person I call my very best friend. I am thankful that she came to me out of nowhere when I probably needed her most and has walked nearly every step of my life in the last 10 years with me via phone. I am thankful that she never gets annoyed at listening to my same woes OVER and OVER again and is able to laugh with me when laughing seems like the craziest thing to do. I am thankful for her life.

16. I am thankful for my mother-in-law. I know, you're not supposed to "LIKE" your mother-in-law, right? Well, I don't like mine, I love her. I am thankful for every single thing she has done for me and her son and her babies from the day we each entered her life. I am thankful that she never criticizes and always supports. I am thankful for her life.

17. I am thankful for the grandparents up the road who have become mine. Time and time again, they have become our biggest supporters. I can't imagine a life without them. They have taught me what it means to be giving and unconditionally loving. They have taught me what it means to have a true extended family. I am thankful for them as role models in not only my life but in the lives of my children. I am thankful for their lives.

18. I am thankful for my girl. I am thankful for my only girl. She has shown me what it means to "be yourself." I am thankful for the deep love she shares with me for her father. She loves him for all the same reasons I do and I am thankful to share that with her. I am thankful for her strength and need to be first in everything she does. I am thankful for her laughter. I am thankful for her life.

19. I am thankful for each sole who has walked down this road of 32 years with me. Although I have only mentioned those closest to me in every day here, I am thankful for each and every person who has shared this life with me. Life is not about where you have been but who was there with you, and I have been blessed with by amazing soles every step of the way. I am thankful for each and every life who has made an impression on mine. I am thankful for your lives.

20. My life is honestly nothing like I envisioned it as a young girl. My fantasies were so big, so ideal, so perfect. I am thankful for my imperfect, wonky, and sometimes very difficult life. I can also honestly say that it this is a very hard thing for me to give thanks for, because inside that little girl wishes she were living her dream and that things were big and ideal and absolutely perfect. But, I must remind myself that the imperfections that have presented themselves from the time I began to grow from a child into the woman that I am have made me this person. If things were BIG and ideal and PERFECT, I'm pretty sure I'd be boring, trite, and selfish. I am thankful for my life even though sometimes it's a very difficult life to live. I am thankful for my life.

Give thanks!

Cloth Diapers?

2010-11-24T15:48:00.000-05:00

Check out RagaBabe Cloth Diapers. They are doing a giveaway for Black Friday! Great looking diapers!

Give thanks even when you're miserable.

2010-11-07T15:38:00.006-05:00

Having one of those days. I have no reason to be miserable, yet I am. Not just slightly cranky but downright miserable. Today is one of those days where I find I must open my mouth with caution because, intended or not, everything that comes forth is full of contempt. I had planned to post my thanks for the last 4 days today but avoided it for the better part of the day because of my miserability. (How's that for the word of the day?!?) Then it dawned on me that there's no better day to give thanks than this one while I'm living inside of this very miserable me.

4. I am thankful for time with friends. These moments are few and far between for various reasons. The first reason being that the majority have long ago moved away and the second being my lack of time and motivation to coordinate time without my children. Sad, I know. But last night, Jeremy stayed home with the kids so that I could spend some very much needed time with friends. I am very thankful for this and yet I'm still cranky.

5. I am thankful for my children. I am thankful for my children. I am thankful for my children even when they cry, fight, scream, and yell. I am thankful for my children when they wake up at 5:30 in the morning. I am thankful for my children when they can't find a way to get along and struggle to be kind to each other. I am thankful for my children when they manage to destroy everything they touch and cry at the drop of a block. I am thankful for my children when they can't listen and are full of attitude. Despite all, I am thankful for my children because I know the moments of joy outweigh these days of struggle.

6. I am thankful for my tasks. I am thankful for the dishes, laundry, and dirty floors because they represent a house full of people to love. I am thankful for the dust that settles on my furniture at alarmingly rapid rates because it represents the beautiful dirt lane leading to the wonderfully charming house nestled in the hollow on the land we call home. I am thankful for the dogs who lead to the need to vacuum on a way too constant basis. I am thankful for my never-ending tasks because my life would be less full without the amazing creatures who trail this mess behind them.

7. I am thankful for me. Today, I am thankful for me. I am thankful for the person I've become. I am thankful for the mother that I am. I am thankful that I am kind, giving, thoughtful, loving, caring, considerate, intelligent, and creative even though today, I am miserable. I am thankful for miserable me.

Give thanks.

Give thanks.

2010-11-03T09:19:00.002-04:00

So, I'm starting a few days late, but everyday this month I'm going to give thanks for something in my life.

1. Rest. After 10 months, Jaxen slept through the night last night. A few weeks ago, we eliminated Chloe's naps and she too is sleeping better and more soundly. I have gotten good sleep for days in a row. Today, I am thankful for rest. (Although secretly I'm missing having one or both of them in bed with me at some point in the night. shhh!)

2. Calm. I am thankful that my life has reached a point where, for the most part, it flows like a steady river. No raging rapids and no emotional rollercoasters. I'm thankful for predictable calm.

3. Jeremy. Without my wonderful husband and his dedication to me and our children, I would not have #1 and #2. I am thankful to no longer be working so that I can dedicate my time to taking care of my family fully while remaining stable, calm, and rested.

Give thanks.

Any relation?

2010-10-05T14:38:00.002-04:00

You think these kids are related?

Chloe at around a year.

Jax at 8 months.

I saw this picture of Chloe from earlier in my blog and couldn't believe how much Jax looks like her! Too funny!

5 out of 7

2010-10-04T13:34:00.002-04:00

Five out of seven ain't bad, if we're talking spelling tests. The Carnahan Clan just finished up a long week of doctor's visits. Three trips to Children's and 2 local appointments and we are thrilled to have a break for 10 days currently with no appointments. Previous to this week, Colin also had a checkup with orthopedics and all is well. They noticed a slight increase in the overall curvature of the spine, but nothing to write home about. We'll continue watchful waiting...back in another 6 months. Monday at the cranio-cleft clinic, all looks well for facial growth with the exception of his jaw, which continues to show a slight lag in growth. We'll return middle of the month for molds to prepare for braces. Not sure of the exact course of action yet, but we know that an expander is involved to allow room for his adult teeth to come in. A few of the adult teeth haven't come in from baby teeth that left more than a year ago. So...no fun, but normal kid complaints on that whole deal. Tuesday, he went to the regular pediatrician for a sinus infection. The good news? This is only the 2nd round of antibiotics for sinus infections in the past year. YES...YEAR! Which brings us to the pulmononologist, who we saw on Friday. Apparently, the new inhaler regimen is working in addition to being revaccinated last fall with Pneumovax. Colin is overall much healthier in general and, trust me, we've taken note. It's wonderful! Additionally, they repeated pulmonary function tests to verify that his overall lung volume was consistent with the last visit. It was. Overall, he is coming in at 79%. Normal ends right at 80%, so we'll take it. Because of his fused ribs and abnormalities that stem from the rib-to-spine junction (I'm sure there's a more technical term), he doesn't have great rib movement and therefore the lungs can't expand as fully as they might otherwise. So again, watchful waiting, if the curvature increases any, the rib maneuverability might decrease more and decrease lung volume more, which ultimately may result in pulmonary therapy to help prevent increased infections again. Fingers crossed things stay the same and we never cross the PT bridge. But, I can't express how thankful I am to finally have some of his chest pain/asthma/infection issues under better control. AND, he thinks he's running faster these days. :) Huge bonus, of course!

Jax visited the gastroenterology clinic today at Children's to see if we can't get a little better control over his reflux and the night waking. We're stopping the Zantac and moving to Prevacid twice a day rather than just once. I'm hopeful this will make things better as his tummy seems mostly to hurt only at night whereas mornings after the Prevacid are pretty good. They'd like to do a barium swallow to see how he handles food from mouth to belly, since he still prefers liquid food over solid for the most part and does a lot of choking and gagging. They've also referred him for a food therapy evaluation to see if he is on target for his age. I haven't scheduled either of those yet. Going to see how the Prevacid works and go from there. I honestly think that if his stomach were under better control, he'd be a much better eater. Who wants to eat with heartburn? Not I said the fly.

The last appointment was for me for a followup from a uterine infection...crazy, I know. No clue how that happened and if it hadn't been for my annual GYN visit, I probably wouldn't have even known. I guess that's why it's important to go every year. Not preaching, just sayin! But after 2 weeks of antibiotics, I have some energy back. YAH!! Apparently I couldn't blame my exhaustion completely on Jax's inability to stay asleep for more than 3 hours at a time.

So that's the story...horribly long week is over. I seriously need a better personal assistant. This one does a horrible job of scheduling appointments at even intervals so I'm not overwhelmed. *sigh* Good help is so very hard to find these days. Anyone looking for a job? The monetary pay sucks, but it includes lots of priceless hugs and kisses from 3 super adorable kids!!

Jaxen on the Move!

2010-09-24T15:57:00.001-04:00

Jaxen on the move.
Originally uploaded by momofcolin_chloe

We're on the go folks. He doesn't move to fast unless he's after his train. Anytime you get it started he goes after it. Tons of fun!

Chudder and His Brudder Butter

2010-09-21T11:54:00.006-04:00

Chloe has always had her own little language. She was slow to start with only 1 word at a year and when she did get going she started speaking her own little language that we refer to as "Chloese." She intermingles correct words improperly into everyday conversations that bring us to tears with laughter. For example, polka dots were polka nuts for a while. Once, she was very adamant that she couldn't wear her "soup (suit) into the freckles (sprinkler) with her see-saws (sandles) because they will make mustards (blisters)." Her speech has gotten better but she often reverts to Chloese. Most recently, I've been attending yogurt (yoga) class.

Jeremy and I were having a very vivid discussion that I expect most couples have every now and again. The whole wife thinks husband is not doing enough discussion when said wife is overwhelmed and breaks down. I came from a single-parent home and disagreements were not a part of my earlier years as my parents divorced when I was very young. As a result, I suck with confrontational situations. I avoid them; I don't resolve them well; they make me anxious. As a result of this, Jeremy and I have never carried on our adult discussions behind closed doors, especially in relation to household activities. I think it's crucial for our kids to see that we can "discuss," resolve, and move on all while proving that you can disagree and still love each other. That being said, we were having a "discussion," which mostly consisted of me melting down and crying about being featured on an upcoming episode of "Hoarders," while Jeremy cautiously agreed with me that we needed to do more even though he thought he was clearly doing enough...which he is. I'm just a tad psycho due to exhaustion.

To which Chloe shouts out "be nice to Chudder" and Jeremy responds "Who's Chudder?" To which I giggle "You know Chudder," pointing to Colin,

"and his other brudder, Butter," pointing to Jaxen, sending us all into a fit of laughter, except of course Chloe who is never amused by the jaunting. Poor girl. I love Chloese. I know the days are limited until it completely disappears and is replaced by well-spoken English.

What's Wrong?

2010-09-19T03:45:00.006-04:00

First, let's discuss what's wrong with me blogging at 3:45 a.m. Many things. Insomnia seems to be the newest method by which my body likes to torture itself. So alas, after lying in bed for hours, I just give up. The first few hours come easily and then upon Jaxen's late night rendezvous, which usually begins around 1-2 a.m., I lie in bed thinking, tossing, and turning.

Tonight's thoughts revolved around a conversation I had with another mom. For the full picture, we have to flashback. Are you ready? Ten years ago, I was given this beautiful baby boy. Ten years ago I was thrilled to have him in my life. As odd as it may seem, Jeremy and I never really questioned Colin's health upon his birth. Shocking, I know. But we had been given this little man and he was ours and he was simply better than ANYTHING we had ever thought possible. He was perfect. Simply perfect. It wasn't until we started noticing small developmental issues like not holding himself upright well and eating and digestive issues that we questioned anything. Still, on more than one occasion as I walked through a store or sat waiting in line with him somewhere, another person would question me asking "what's wrong with him?" My response: "NOTHING." Simply put, he is perfect. He was perfect, he is perfect. He is Colin. Simply put. I refuse to answer that question with anything more.

So recently, Colin, after quite a long time of having his hair long, which hid the ear he has had reconstructed, decided to go short again. Mind you, the hair was not long for this purpose; he simply liked the style. Of course, the new cut inevitably put his most noticeable difference on more prominent display. I admit, I was nervous about the return to school for him. Not that the long hair kept him from having to deal with his issues, but I was sure that it helped alleviate the frequency of curiosity from the other kids. He returned home shortly after school began confirming my suspicions. "Everyone's asking me what happened to my ear," he says. "And what do you say," I ask. "Nothing." At first, I thought he meant he didn't respond to the question. To which I giggled and responded that curiosity would cause them to continue to ask, especially if he didn't respond. To which he promptly assured me, "No, I say NOTHING." To which I giggled again and responded "well, they still may continue to ask," and he asked why. I tried to equate it to another kid coming into school the next day with a broken leg being asked the same question and responding in the same manner. (I know, TERRIBLE comparison, but I'm doing my best here...it's a learning curve.) I said, "even if he said nothing, you would still be curious because, clearly, something happened, so you might continue to ask." Colin responded "no, I wouldn't. I would assume that if he said nothing he didn't want to talk about it and wouldn't ask again." Smart boy.

So, back to the conversation I had with the other mother today. At the start of boy scouts this week, the short hair brought on some similar conversations with some of the cubbies who don't attend Colin's school, and another mother shared the conversation she overheard. One of the boys asked Colin "what's wrong with your ear?" Colin's response: "What's wrong with your face?"

Okay, so I won't openly condone that retort in conversation with him. I silently cheered. Inside, I was jumping up and down and shaking my pom-poms. It's simply wrong to ask what is WRONG with a person who has a difference. Differences aren't WRONG. In anticipation of the difficult adolescent years, I have clearly not given this child the credit he deserves. I think I've been worrying about a whole lot of something that is clearly, NOTHING.

Quote of the Day

2010-09-17T13:00:00.001-04:00

“We never know what is enough until we know what's more than enough.” Billie Holiday.

Contentment in Chaos

2010-09-16T13:54:00.005-04:00

The Clan has exploded and in trying to catch the pieces, I've neglected my blog. Baby Jax entered the world just short of 9 months ago and the pregnancy and days and then months following have been shear chaos. I love having him in my life; I'm still adjusting to the chaos that 3 children bring to our home. Jax, of course, like Colin and Chloe has reflux. With each child, it's gotten worse and his is by far the worst. Prevacid in the morning and Zantac at night and rice in the bottles and still it persists. It's been a long, sleepless 9 months. He is the chubbiest baby I can honestly say I have EVER seen. I love every roll. Colin and Chloe are as in love with him as Jeremy and I are. It's been amazing to watch this beastly bundle of joy bring our family closer together than I ever thought possible. He is our heart and our sun and makes us all smile constantly. The times that Colin and Chloe have announced that they are so glad we have "bubba" are numerous and it overjoys my heart. I'm so thankful for him.

So...my house is a wreck, I've only dried my hair a total of 3 times in 9 months, we're all running on less sleep, and we're blissfully happy. I can honestly say through the exhaustion, I've never been happier. I think the Clan is complete.

20/20

2009-06-03T09:49:00.001-04:00

We were so off. We really felt like Colin's vision had changed drastically but the doc says nope! YAH! Still 20/20. We were prepping him for glasses just in case and he was actually disappointed that he wasn't getting them!! I'm, of course, thrilled for him. Well, I suppose it's safe to say that not eating carrots hasn't affected him.

Celebration!!! Today is the day...

2008-07-17T07:51:00.002-04:00

You turn 8!! I feel happier today than I have on any other birthday. Each year my love for you grows and gives me more reason to celebrate your life! You have given me more than I ever could have imagined. I'm watching you turn into a pre-teen already. Full of opinions (which you are more than willing to share) and already you are more than willing to lock yourself in your room with the tv. Too bad you haven't figured out that the older you get the more you are supposed to enjoy sleep! The older you get, the more the reality sets in that you will be grown and gone one day. I can't imagine a day without you in my house. Thank goodness you're not to old to crawl into my lap or cuddle. I am proud of who you are becoming (even the strong-headed parts of you that like to debate with me about EVERYTHING!). You are strong in heart and mind. A helper, a pleaser, a friend, and a wonderful brother and son. I love you, my boy!! Your momma!

2 weeks to countdown!

2008-04-12T07:57:00.004-04:00

Can't believe it's already time!!! Although we don't close on our house until May 9th, we've decided to move on the April 26 and 27. Jeremy's work schedule goes a little haywire after that, so we want to allow ourselves enough time to get things cleaned and finalized before closing. We are stripping wallpaper and painting and packing. The kids are loving the freedom of our new house. So much space and no worries. It really is wonderful that they can just run free. I can't wait until the first nice morning we wake there and I can usher them outside at the crack of dawn. There is so much to do and so little time and I'm trying to have faith that it will all come together. It always does!

My theory on housework is...

2008-04-04T10:05:00.001-04:00

...if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

~Erma Bombeck

I will constantly be reminding myself of this one over the course of the next few months.

A Curve is a Curve...

2008-04-03T19:33:00.003-04:00

No change whatsoever. Things are holding...and we'll hold for another 6 months until the next appointment. Sighs of relief for things staying the same.

The kids and I had a great trip. Parking wasn't impossible to come by, so we breezed right in. Got to the doc's office and there was no one in the waiting room because of the horrendous parking, claimed the receptionist. Really?!? We were there less than an hour and made it home at a decent hour for dinner when we ordinarily would have been caught in rush hour traffic. Golden. Chloe was playful and pleasant thanks to an unexpected snooze in the back seat and Colin was thrilled to be out of school early.

Three cheers for a low stress day.

Cyclical

2008-04-02T07:57:00.004-04:00

My life is cyclical in regard to my emotions. I tend to go through serious bouts of depression periodically which directly correlate with Colin's 6 month check-ups. It was termed at one point by a doctor along the way as chronic grief. Before the next series of appointments, I can't seem to keep myself from panicking about the possibilities of what they might find. The routine appointments are absolutely necessary. They are the only way to catch something ugly before it gets too ugly and yet everything in me seems to avoid making them. I actually avoided making them earlier on in the year because "we had too much going on." I'm confessing here and now that the truth of the matter is that I wasn't ready to deal with the emotions that sweep over me. Partially because, indeed, we have too much going on and I didn't want to feel the way I have been with everything else happening at the same time. I could see the train wreck ahead. The whole thing backfired. I've spent the past 2 weeks fighting back tears daily, which I KNOW is ridiculous. I can try and convince myself of this as much as I want; it does not matter. The sadness and frustration will remain...for weeks, perhaps months. Sleepless nights, headaches, guilt, anger... I also find myself avoiding talking about it. I feel ridiculous. He's a great kid. There's nothing wrong. Everything is always fine, I say. The emotions remain. Usually I schedule far enough in advance that his appointments are bam-bam-bam right in a row. In this instance, they'll be spread from now until June. And today begins the countdown to our move 30 days left. This round of emotions have been exceptionally overwhelming.l. I wish I could put a stick in the wheel and stop the spinning...find a way to jam the process.

We sold this house!!!

2008-03-09T09:54:00.004-04:00

In 11 days! We are thrilled and feeling very thankful! We accepted our first offer yesterday of only $3,000 less than our asking price and cannot believe that things happened so quickly, especially with the way the market is right now. We will close on May 8 and have a lot of packing to do here and painting to do at the new house, but we couldn't be happier. Jeremy asked me more than once yesterday what we were missing because it was all too great!!

Our home on Chestnut Street will be greatly missed. It holds a ton of memories, but we're ready for the next chapter in this novel.

Hope your New Year is filled...

2007-12-31T21:13:00.000-05:00

...with dreams as big as castles that are filled with sweet fairy dust!!!

These are two of the favorite gifts from Christmas. A set of blocks from Grandpa Helsing that will allow our boy with the neverending imagination to build just about anything his heart desires and a fairy outfit (and tent) from Great Grammie Ferra that is our little diva's heart's desire.

Wishing you all the best in the New Year!

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-26T14:12:00.000-05:00

From our house to yours!

My boy can't wait.

2007-12-19T09:24:00.000-05:00

Today we celebrate a year surgery free. We canceled a surgery that was scheduled for this past Monday. It wasn't critical...it can wait...this Christmas we will celebrate without bandages and pain meds. It can wait because my boy can't. He's growing up and he deserves to remember a Christmas that includes Santa and no pain. It will wait.

Really...that long!

2007-12-11T06:21:00.001-05:00

Has it really been that long since I posted!?! Wow. Life for the Carnahan's has been a little crazy to say the least. We celebrated Chloe's 2nd birthday, I underwent a schlew of medical tests (the results of which I'll recieve at an appointment today), the kids and I headed to Illinois to visit family for Thanksgiving, I spent a long weekend in South Beach Miami with friends, we are preparing to sell our house in February to return to "country" living, and we haven't done a lick of Christmas shopping. That's life in a nut shell. Things are going really well. I cannot believe how quickly this year has flown by...somewhere in the beginning of 2007 I said that I felt like this was going to be our year and without a doubt it has. The kids are both doing really well. This is the most stable I have felt in a long time. I suppose that has led to the lack of posts...everything seems to be coming up roses for the most part. Somebody pinch me. Kidding! I'm just relishing in the loveliness of my life...it's busy but momentarily wonderful and I'm counting my blessings. A friend shared a saying with me a few days ago that I've been rolling around since then...Love the life you live. Do I ever.

Trick-or-Treat

2007-10-28T09:01:00.000-04:00

Happy Halloween from the Fire Ninja and Flower Fairy.

A lolli on the way to Nana's.

The loot!

Biliary dyskenisia.

2007-10-23T10:39:00.000-04:00

Is what I have. My gallbladder is not working like it should or something and so my liver isn't processing things like it should and they are sending me to a general surgeon - I'm assuming to have it removed - who can't see me until Nov. 6. I'm going back to the doctor tomorrow in the meantime to figure out how to get through until surgery. Today is a bad day...the only solution to avoiding pain is not eating right now. Hopefully it will subside soon.

An unexpected slow down.

2007-10-20T06:43:00.000-04:00

I haven't been feeling well for the past month now and it turns out that my gallbladder has decided it needs to take life a little easier. It's working, just slowly and I have yet to discover what that means for its future. Apparently, since turning 30, my body has decided to start acting older. Life has been just as busy as usual and I've been working hard at just trying to keep up. For this girl that goes nonstop, this slowing of the insides has been bringing me to a crawl and I'm frustrated more than anything. I'm just plain tired. It's one thing when life slows down. It's another when you slow down and life just keeps going. Unfortunately, I have pushed some of the nonessential items to the side in order to keep things going, such as posting here.

On to some updates.

Colin lost his dear Philbert a few weeks ago and we dealt with the devastation of losing something so loved. We have since aquired 2 new turtle friends who have yet to be named. We are waiting to discover whether they are male or female which won't happen until they are a little bigger. It turns out, after a discussion with the store owner who sold us the turtle, that Philbert was indeed a Phyllis.

Colin also had an appointment earlier in the month with the Craniofacial team which was very promising. The asymmetry in his face seems to have slowed. He is currently at a 7-8 degree difference, which is actually rather minimal in the whole big picture. His upper palate is still too small to accommodate his teeth and will have to be expanded. If he loses more teeth in the next 6 months, he will have the expander placed. If not, we will wait things out another year. The Singulair has been so helpful for him. No more coughing fits, although we had to fight for weeks with insurance to get them to cough up payment.

Insurance, insurance, insurance...we just recently discovered that Jeremy still has coverage with his past insurance...long ridiculous story in which the blame mostly lies in our lap but nonetheless our newest insurance has retracted all payments since January and we are now fighting to get things resubmitted and taken care of as well as removed from our credit history. Thank goodness for insurance, but it is really draining me these days.

Chloe is fantastic. She was evaluated for her speech and is average, which is a relief. My child is average. It is such a shame that we, as parents, constantly fall into the trap of comparing our children. We compare them to each other and with their cousins and others in their peer groups. It really is terrible. Colin talked late but took off as soon as he begin. I have spent the past 6 months trying to figure out what was "wrong" with her. I am now forcing myself to drop the issue. She is fine. She is better than fine. She is a sweet genious without a voice. It'll come to her. I just need to give her the space to find it. She is still as in control of this house as ever, but she makes us all laugh daily. She really is a joy.

So, minus the gallbladder and the unexpected crawl my body has forced me into, life is good.

2007-10-03T07:18:00.000-04:00

This fall has been extraordinarily busy. I am not complaining. Life here is full and happy. The kids are doing great. Chloe started gymnastics and Colin joined the Cub Scouts and is playing tennis...so we have been on the run. School is going really well for Colin. He loves his teacher and is enthusiastic about learning, of course.

A few Saturdays ago, Chloe had a day full of first. I have been meaning to post these pictures.

Her first day at gymnastics. (Colin acted as our photographer. He did a great job!) She loved being in the class but had little desire to participate. As you can tell from the pictures, we "participated" from a distance. We began the class with songs, which included a "marching" song. Once Chloe mastered the march, she proceeded to march for the rest of the hour. I am happy to report that she has become more involved each week. :)

We then headed out for our first haircut. She is such a diva. She knew exactly what she was there for and had no issues with having it done. She loved every moment of it...such a girl.

And, finally...her first lollipop! yummy! By the time we got home, she was a beautifully sticky mess.

Changes to the banner.

2007-09-05T21:11:00.000-04:00

It's perfectly simple: Dad, Mom, Boy, Girl, Dog, Fish, Turtle, and Frog. What more could you ask for? We've lost the fish...yes all of them...and the frog left us a while ago, yet, I'm attached to our site's banner so it will not be edited. Colin's decided to replace his fish...yes all of them...and the frog with 2 newts (water salamanders). That is as soon as his mom takes the time to clean out the tank...ewwww. Oh, and don't worry...old Philbert the turtle is in for the long haul. I'm sure he'll pass us all by. Do they allow turtles in dorms??

Quote of the Day.

2007-09-03T07:13:00.001-04:00

"A train of thought is a good thing as long as it is on the right track." No idea who said this, but I simply agree.

A duh moment and a revelation.

2007-08-30T20:28:00.000-04:00

We all have to have them occasionally...

X-ray revealed constipation. Proof, once more, that my boy is getting older. Not because of the issue at hand so much as me being totally unaware of it. Gone are the days that I know every tidbit of his life down to the timing and consistency of his pee and poo. Sigh and a laugh. So, we started him on MiraLax a few days back, a small dose mind you, and ended up heading in the opposite direction of not being able to go. MiraLax does not usually cause this, so I've been racking my brain trying to figure it out...until today. Duh! He's been on an antibiotic for almost a week. Duh! Duh! Duh! No idea why it took me so long to figure it out. So, needless to say, bathroom is a go for now...we'll have to reassess at a later date. Although, I personally believe that all these poo problems were the cause of our pee issues.

And...on to my revelation: I had a revelation the other day, that it is quite possible that I am the only person that reads this blog on a daily basis (besides Nat and Alicia -- which is about the same as me reading it since they are really the only 2 that know the true ins and outs of my daily life other than me...and Jerm, of course and my Dad cause a direct e-mail is sent every time I post)...so I've decided to treat it like a diary. Simply because it's weird writing to an unknown audience...so going forward, I'll be treating my blog like a diary as it has become unbelievably therapeutic for me...my own warped therapist of sorts...

So, if you don't care about my kid's poo...tough luck. I wasn't sharing for your personal experience but for that of my own and prosperity...in my reference of this unexpected journey that is my life. (Although if you happen to be someone other than the above mentioned, I'm glad you're reading and hope you continue.) It's important for me to share my experiences to help me deal with them. Otherwise, my thoughts wander aimlessly in my stuffed mind and end up squeezing out -- "POP" -- at the most inopportune moments. Much better to let it all flow here for the sanity of those closest to me.

Nat said it best the other night as Colin and I struggled with cream and pull-ups before bedtime (we happened to be chatting post bathtime): "I bet you didn't think you'd still be dealing with this now." Nope sure didn't.

I never expected to be raising a child with a single medical issue, let alone numerous medical issues. Applying diaper rash cream at 7, sitting in doctors office waiting rooms day in and out, watching my child undergo more medical treatments in the blink of an eye than I will EVER experience in my lifetime. I never expected to spend my nights fretting about what the next appointment will bring, what the next week at school will bring, what the next day's unbelievably difficult question will be from my sweet boy. I never, ever expected myself to become a mom who feels so crazy sometimes that she wants to hold onto him tight and not send him out into this cruel, cruel judgemental world full of judgemental people who just don't see how unintentionally hurtful they can be. There are days I drive myself crazy with the thoughts that run rampant in my extremely overfilled brain...a brain that holds it all...the complete and unedited medical history of my boy with this unexplainable syndrome that eats away at my heart.

Too cool for school.

2007-08-28T19:33:00.000-04:00

Apparently, now that Colin's a big 2nd grader, he's too cool to have his mom take his picture on the first day of school. He was annoyed at me during the entire picture taking extravaganza. Hate to break the news...he has years and years and years left of this ritual. Monday started the new school year. Colin was excited to be back with his friends. I believe each day he was finding me a bit more boring and Chloe a bit more aggitating. So, we have our nice long afternoon naps back and routine. I love, love, love routine. I crave it.

After returning home and being drilled about the first day and his new teacher, he responded with only the most important facts: 1. His teacher is louder this year than his teacher last year. 2. She gives out FREE candy. (As opposed to the candy he has been paying for all of his life.) and 3. Recess is still the best part of the day. The end. He had nothing more to say.

In the morning, Chloe was waiting for the bus with Colin...and discovered shadows!! She was so funny. She just kept pointing and saying "dis" (this). But, my response of "mommy's shadow" was severly inadequate prompting a "naaaohhhh!!!" (no)and urgent, shrilly "dis!" We went rounds about that one for a while until I finally gave up...one day I will learn that fighting with this child is pointless. She has it all figured out.

Tonsilitis.

2007-08-25T21:04:00.000-04:00

So, that's a new one. Colin's actually never had that before. We had our ENT check up on Thursday and is on antibiotics for the tonsilitis. Everything else looks good and we are setting the ball in motion for another repair with a full thickness skin graft of his left ear. He has requested that we put it off until December over Christmas break so he won't miss school. He had a dentist appointment and his jaw is still shifting...3 mm total. We see craniofacial again and September, so we'll have to see what they say about the shift and the tonsils. They have concerns for removal because of his paralyzed palette...increase of infection and such, but ENT has concerns of continual infection becoming a new issue...so time will tell I suppose.

A Boy's Weekend.

2007-08-23T04:54:00.000-04:00

Amusement park, baseball game, power plant...it was a boy's weekend. Last Saturday Jeremy's employer sponsored a day at Lakemont Park and the Altoona Curve. We decided to leave Chloe at my mom's to spend the day with Colin. It was his first real-deal baseball game and he had a blast...double-header and all. After a full day of roller coasters and waterslides, we had all intentions of leaving before the end of the 2nd game...he would have none of it, and I quote "what's the point of watching if you don't know how it ends." True, true.

Sunday, Jeremy made arrangements for Colin to tour the plant with him. It was his day off and Colin's always been really interested in seeing what Daddy does. So he put on his "work clothes" and all of his gear, including a belt to hold his flashlight and new boots bought specifically for the occasion. As he was waiting for Jeremy to finish getting ready, he sat back on the couch, crossed his arms behind his head and propped his feet, boots and all mind you, on my coffee table, and I quote "I look just like my Dad, huh?" Yes, yes you do.

The day included a tour of the plant, candy, "driving the bulldozer," and $5 in pay from Jeremy's boss. Needless to say, he came back covered in coal and happy as a clam...what's not to love about 4 hours at a power plant with a bunch of dirty men. I have my own thoughts on that.

As Colin was removing his play clothes to don his work clothes...Chloe decided she was going to work too. She demanded that I help put his shorts and t-shirt on her. Funniest part, other than the stubby little-person look it gave her, was that the shorts fit around her waist without issue. She cried so hard when they left her behind, poor baby, and refused to take the clothes off the rest of the afternoon. She even wore them for naptime.

I'm a liar...7-year check-up.

2007-08-18T07:37:00.000-04:00

Just to clear the air...I'm a liar. Colin only gained 7 pounds this year. Not 10. :) and he grew 2 inches. So he's in the 50% for his weight!! and 75% for his height!!! I can't believe that! They started him on Singulair for a weird daytime/playtime cough that they're presuming to be his asthma, and we have to head to get an x-ray of his abdomen early next week because his belly is hard, presumably constipation, although he is showing absolutely no signs of being constipated. But with history and such, they want to be sure. Especially with the continued bedwetting and increase in peeing. Which leads us to calling neurosurgery, which our pediatrician is going to do for me on Monday to see what the next step is...do we wait it out to see if it gets any more frequent...perhaps it's a typical 7-year-old thing (waiting too long to go, too many drinks too late), which of course is possible. Nothing too weird about a kid peeing a lot other than where we were 8 months ago. So...75% CRAZY!!

Holding at 30ish.

2007-08-16T20:39:00.000-04:00

It's been 6 months since spring checkups at the specialists, so today was the first of the fall visits. Can't believe it's here already. Colin's ortho doctor said he is holding at 30ish degrees. He said it's all still a jumble, lots of hemis (hemivertebrae) and pieces. Like I was expecting the bones to have miraculously returned themselves to perfectly full and shaped vertebrae. Although I admit, I've had a dream or two that ended this way. But, he's been holding at 30ish for over a year now. Although that can change at any point. Nothing is predictable with congenital scoliosis and he again warned us of that. It could change drastically overnight. How is that possible? It just is. Growth spurt, compaction or fusion of bones, blah, blah, blah. So, I'll continue to live with my anxiety in this regard and he'll see us back in 6 months. He ended the visit with the following comment: "He's in good condition for the condition that he's in." True. True. and still pondering that. I hate this "condition" that he's in.

California dreaming...and soaring...

2007-08-13T12:41:00.000-04:00

I have been blessed in my life through my father's fortune and hard work. His life in the Army led him to a variety of different places and my sisters, brother and I were fortunate enough to get to share experience things and see places most people spend a lifetime dreaming about -- summers sailing on the ocean, afternoons swimming under waterfalls in Panama, romping on black-sand beaches and playing with monkeys and the typical summer fun of amusement parks and museums. This summer I saw in Colin's eyes the way I used to feel when visiting my father. Amazement at experiences in a life that feels unlike your own. My father's hard work post-military retirement has enabled him to live a comfortable life in California and, like any good grandpa, he was more than generous with opportunities while we visited.

Our flight arrived on Friday evening. After attempting to locate a piece of lost luggage (to no avail) we hopped on my Dad's plane (he reaffirmed his pilot's license a few years back) and flew (see pilot Chloe above) to his weekend home in Mendicino County. It was so nice there (see the view below). Some of the most beautiful beaches I've ever seen. It was so nice to watch Colin and my nephew Tanner (below as well). The joy of being on those beaches and with each other and their Grandpa (who, of course, is the best of all grandpas).

Chloe actually ran a fever for the first 4 days but by the time we headed back to my Dad's house in the Bay area, she started to come around...a virus of sorts the emergency room doctor told me. It never fails...emergency room on vacation. We haven't been on a vacation since our honeymoon that didn't require a trip to the emergency room. A few years ago...we made 2 trips. I think a lot of her sickness was brought on from missing daddy and "home." She spoke her first sentence while there: "Daddy at home." Well, it was a little more like "Daee ah ome."

Wednesday, we flew to Disneyland for the day...yes, I said flew. Amazing. The boys had so much fun and Chloe got to spend the day being spoiled by her Grandma. It was on of the most fun days I have had in a long time and Colin can still talk for a good 40 minutes straight about it. It was unbelievable. Flying to Disney for the day...who does that?

The week also consisted of a whole lot of great food, a good bit of nice wine (not for the kids of course), Go-Carts, mini-golf, Chuck E. Cheese, a place called the Jungle, which is like Chuck E. Cheese on overload, and more McDonald's and Burger King than my child should ever see in a week. I also got the chance to hang out with Rachel, my bestest ever of friends for an evening. She recently moved to Treasure Island and is so close to my Dad. It was soooo nice.

To top it off, my dad and his wife recently added a new member to their family, a toy fox terrior named UV...I thought Colin might try to sneak her into a suitcase to bring her home. He is so in love. (Notice the matching shirts below.)

I count the blessings in my life daily. I have been blessed richly and experiences like our week in California leave me in awe wondering how it came to be that this is my life. My kids are blessed to experience all of these wonderful things and I am so thrilled that they have been given the opportunity! I am so happy with what I have and even more so...who I have. Thanks, Daddy!

Our pistol slinging pirate.

2007-08-07T14:46:00.000-04:00

Things have been crazy busy since getting home and I haven't had the time to post. Thought I'd pop on to share my newest favorite picture of queen bee, the diva herself...as a pistol slinging pirate.

The Best Says...

2007-07-27T19:22:00.000-04:00

We are already recieving the best care in regard to Colin's ear. Turns out, our doctor spent a few years training with the doctor here in the Bay area, who said he really felt that our current ENT doctor has done an excellent job. He had a few recommendations for further revision but really thought that we were on the right track. It's good to have a professional affirm that we have made a good decision in regard to our choice in doctors. It has brought some peace of mind.

The kids are having a blast and I have a ton of pictures that I'll post once we return. It has been a busy, fun, busy, exciting, busy, busy week.

In 6 months...

2007-07-17T18:39:00.001-04:00

We will have another MRI of the total spine conducted. That was the conclusion of today's call from neurosurgery. Nothing has changed drastically, which is great. The syrinx (fluid-filled cavity in the spinal cord) has not increased in diameter, which is great. But, it is still rather long, which is concerning for a possibility to retether. So, we will continue to watch for signs of retether and monitor it again by MRI in another 6 months. Not bad, not great...but not bad.

Happy Birthday, Colin!

2007-07-17T10:41:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday to my boy! The past 7 years have flown by. I can't imagine a life without you. The day you were born was the most significant day of my life. I spent our first evening alone, after everyone went home, examining your little fingers and toes. It was completely amazing to me to see all of the traits of your Daddy, who I loved so much, on my little tiny baby. You had his exact toes, just littler, his exact fingers, just littler, his exact leg shape and nose, all just littler. So amazing. I am so proud of everything you have already become. You are my life, my heart, my everything.

Do you know how much I love you? I love you more than the stars in the sky, more than the fish in the sea. I love you more than anything or anyone, anywhere.

Happy Birthday, sweet boy!

My boy is a rock star!

2007-07-12T17:02:00.000-04:00

Arrived at the hospital at 6:45 this morning to prepare for sedation for the MRI. The full spinal MRI can take hours and, obviously, a 6-year-old isn't normally expected to be able to lie completely still for the amount of time needed to retrieve the pictures.

Colin's tears over the last few days haven't been over the MRI itself, but the sedation. The sedation used is slightly different that that of surgery and for whatever reason usually nausiates him, which is odd because the surgery sedation usually doesn't (usually).

He asked me, in front of our nurse, why he had to be "put to sleep." The nurse explained the need to lie still and Colin responded that he could do that. So, they let him give it a try. If you've never had an MRI, here's a quick explanation: You lie on a bed that slides into a really tight tube. The entire time they take pictures the equipment makes sounds that reminded me of mack truck jake breaks and honking mack truck horns times 50. The sounds continue the entire time...you have to remain completely still or they have to repeat the process for adequate pictures.

Colin did it!!! They plugged his ear, prepped him. Told him to relax and rest if he could. I am so proud and was so relieved! They didn't have to repeat a single image. I watched him the entire time...he flinched at the first sound and after that stayed completely still. Although, he admitted after the fact that he wiggled his toes once and opened his eyes twice. :) What a relief. Even the technicians were amazed. What a big boy. I sat there watching the entire time contemplating if I thought that I could have laid there that still. My conclusion: Probably not. He never ceases to amaze me.

Praying hard for the results to come quickly and to show, well...nothing.

Happy Birthday, Jeremy!

2007-07-11T07:57:00.000-04:00

From here on out...29 forever, right?!? Love you much.

Bye go the carefree days of summer...

2007-07-10T21:50:00.000-04:00

Thursday will end our "carefree" summer months. I work hard to avoid scheduling appointments/procedures/surgeries in June and July. It's important to me to give Colin a break from it all...shoot...to give all of us a break from it all. So after over a month with nothing more than dentist and regular pediatric checkups, we head to Children's Thursday for a full spinal MRI. They will be looking to see if his cord has re-tethered and how it has healed internally. They'll also recheck the neck bones to look for increased fusion and to make sure that the bones are not compromising his spinal cord. Please pray hard for Colin that all is well.

Up until a week ago I was confident that it everything was well. From the date of surgery until last week -- over 6 months -- we were completely bed wetting and urgency free. Last week, we had two major bed wetting episodes and he has been "running" to the bathroom more. Amazing how a little pee can make a mom's mind turn. I have been working hard at trying not to think about the negative possibilities of anything to do with GoldenHar syndrome...to be honest...I have been failing.

The break from appointments in nice but returning is always hard...and returning with the first one an appointment with anesthesia makes it even more rough. He is dreading it and it brought him to tears yesterday. I hate this for him...I wish I could endure it all in his place.

Last fall rocked our world. After YEARS of running through lists of could happens, we were slapped with many that did happen in a matter of months...

I used to look forward to appointments. One more thing I could check off the list...one more appointment we'd made it through without any of the things that "could" happen. Now, I seem to be anticipating "routine" checkups months in advance. My mind has been filled with worry about the future and I can't seem to get my thoughts to avoid the negatives. It makes for long nights.

God said..."I'll lend you my child..."

2007-07-07T15:02:00.000-04:00

I'll lend you for a little time a child of mine, He said ...

For you to love while she lives ... and mourn for when she's dead. It may be six or seven years, or twenty-two or three, but will you, till I call her back, take care of her for me? She'll bring her charms to gladden you. And shall her stay be brief, you'll have her lovely memories as solace for your grief.

I cannot promise she will stay, since all from Earth return. But there are lessons, taught down there, I want this child to learn. I've looked the wide world over in search for teachers true, And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes, I have selected you.

Now ... will you give her all your love ... nor think the labor in vain? Nor ... hate me when I come to call ... to take her back again?

I fancied that I heard you say ... “Dear Lord, it will be done! For all the joy Your Child shall bring, the risk of grief we'll run. We'll shelter her with tenderness. We'll love her while we may, And for the happiness we've known ... forever grateful stay.

“But shall the angels call for her much sooner than we've planned, We'll brave the bitter grief that comes ... and try to understand.”*

I will spend the rest of my life striving to give my children everything that Alivia's parents managed to provide to her in just over 2 years. There are many thing in this world I struggle to make sense of and this has been added to the list...

Sweet peace, sweet Livi.

(*author unknown)

Please, God! Heal Alivia.

2007-07-06T05:36:00.000-04:00

1 John 5:14-15 tells us, "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us -- whatever we ask -- we know that we have what we asked of him."

Please pray for Alivia. She has been moved to intensive care. I know that many who read this don't know her. It does not matter. She is a baby; she is sick; she needs healing. Please pray for that. Nothing short of a miracle will do.

My heart is aching for their family. Please, God.

My Two at the Zoo.

2007-06-22T09:32:00.000-04:00

Colin's favorite was of course the aquarium. He loved the shark tank especially. He loved it all though. Surprise, surprise. He is as obsessed as always with animials. Chloe was relatively unimpressed by all of it. She was more excited about her Capri Sun and cookies...the elephants got an "ooh" and she squealed at a few fish, but otherwise, she was just along for the ride.

Chloe's Celeb Encounter

2007-06-21T09:35:00.000-04:00

Chloe had her first run-in with a Steeler this weekend. We had a chance encounter with Steeler Alan Faneca on Saturday after participating in an Epilepsy walk in memory of Julie McCormick, a friend from high school.

I asked Mr. Faneca if he would kindly sign my kid. He did. :) It must have tickled because she was giggling and wiggling. So funny.

Myself, Chloe and Natalie. It was a nice day, yet bittersweet. Julie is very much missed and I would much rather have done the walk with her. Regardless, our team did a pretty good job raising money for the cause.

What a start to summer.

2007-06-08T21:12:00.000-04:00

Jeremy hasn't been feeling well. Colin has something going on again...cough, stuffiness...allergies/infection/cold...I don't know. Chloe is cutting her 7th tooth, which we are thrilled about (starting to wonder if she might not get anymore), yet she is miserable and I think might have some of what her Dad had earlier in the week. Not exactly the start to summer we had hoped for. Oh, well, either way...it's here I suppose. They all just better suck it up. I have my beach gear ready. :) kidding, of course.

Contentment

2007-06-05T11:35:00.000-04:00

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.” ~Epicurus

So true, so fitting.

Time for summer!

2007-06-03T12:37:00.000-04:00

Pray for Alivia.

2007-05-29T12:40:00.001-04:00

Please pray. Today is her 90th day in the hospital. She has developed a secondary cancer and is not doing well. This is a plead from one mommy for another. Please pray for their baby, even if you don't know her. Just say a quick prayer that the Lord will heal Alivia and provide them with the miracle they are desperate for.

Quote of the Day.

2007-05-24T13:48:00.000-04:00

"I'm like a dandelion, jack. You can cut me down; I'll just grow right back." - Kid Rock

This song randomly loaded on my ipod from Jeremy's music list, and I ended up listening to it today while I was walking. That's how I feel right now. Amazing how different things are this year...I think this is our year. Things are going so well. Remind me of how I feel right now if things change later on, kay?

Once the bad times pass, they really are just a distant memory. No matter how rough anything seems, once it gets better, the pain of it all fades quickly. Hard to see when you're mucking through it, but it's great to reflect after the fact.

All smiles here.

Mother's Day Revisited.

2007-05-20T14:44:00.000-04:00

Last Sunday was spent running around and celebrating and recognizing our moms, so we didn't really get to celebrate as a family. So today, Jeremy and the kids treated me to lunch. So nice to relax together for a bit.

Colin got to spend the night at Mark's last night, which is always a ton of fun. He also got to visit with Grammie Carnahan for a while in the evening as well. It must have been an exhausting day. He asked if he could relax in bed for a while. :) He's been in bed since we got home from lunch.

Things have been going so well for us healthwise, so I have a prayer request for someone else. Two-year-old Alivia is 80+ in the hospital for a bone marrow transplant. It has been a rocky road, and although she is healing, she has faced a lot of challenges. Their family needs prayers for her complete healing and their continued strength. Please take a moment. Hospital time is like a warp zone, and at this point I'm sure they feel like they have been their for years rather than months. Please pray that they will be home together soon. Thanks.

Summertime and the livin' is...

2007-05-17T07:12:00.000-04:00

Crazy. Baseball started this week, school is finishing up, Chloe is getting teeth (hopefully)...and this all explains why it's been a week since I posted. Colin is loving coach-pitch ball this year. He's so excited about it. He can't wait for school to finish up and has started counting down the days. Chloe is attempting to add more teeth to the few (6) she has and is a little unhappy about it all. Poor girl. I've been working like crazy and debating starting work with a second service in addition to the one I am currently working with, so I've been testing with other companies in my "spare" time. ha! I want to get things down pat with work before school is over so that I have a schedule that'll work around swimming and park time. :) We'll see how that goes.

Well, the kiddies are waking. Time for another full day!

First sinus infection of the year.

2007-05-09T20:01:00.000-04:00

Took Colin to the doctor today for a persistant cough, which of course is a sinus infection. But, I wanted to note that this is his FIRST infection of any kind of the year! That means 5 months straight of a healthy little boy, who by the way is not so little anymore. He weighed in at 52.5 pounds today! That is a full 10-pound weight gain since July of last year!

The joys of home ownership.

2007-05-09T12:51:00.000-04:00

Had a leak...led to mold...removing mold...discovered termites...treating termites...more mold discovery...removing mold...broke pipe...repairing pipe...had to turn off water...turned water back on...water was brown...went to flush hot water tank...discoverd a rusting-out bottom...replaced hot water tank...problem with vents...carbon-monoxide is creeping into our home...so,

now I guess we'll call the chimney repair man.

Anybody wanna buy us out? We could use a landlord right now.

Checkup for Colin. Other updates.

2007-05-01T19:30:00.000-04:00

Today would have been a surgery day, but instead we went to the Pediatrician for a checkup. His unaffected ear is looking great. A very thin membrane has formed over the hole in his eardrum and the doctor is confident that it will get thicker over the next month. He also found his tube in there. Colin thought it was pretty cool...and small. :) We have to continue using plugs for a while to make sure that he does not get any water in there. It is still as risk to re-rupture. So excited! He might get to swim this summer without the worry of earplugs!!!!

Work is going great for me. I'm starting to get a routine down, which is nice, and I'm feeling less nervous about it. So far I'm edging on $500 for my total earnings in less than 3 weeks! Yippee! More than I expected getting started. Supposedly, you continue to increase your income for the first few months, so I'm even more excited about the months to come. So far, the hourly rate I'm earning is continuing to increase while the amount of time it takes to finish my work is decreasing.

It's only Tuesday, and we've had quite the week. Jeremy started to pull out the cabinets in our laundry room yesterday afternoon, in order to remove the now moldy drywall from behind them...the cabinets had been built around the pipes. Ugh! And in the process of getting them out, one of the pipes sprang a mini leak. And, of course, in the process of trying to fix the mini leak, it turned into a major leak...the water to the house had to be shut off, and in the end, we called a plumber. Then, today, I didn't realize that the drainage pipe for the washer and dryer had to be cut as well and hadn't been capped yet, and I started a load of laundry. And left to take Colin to the doctor. So, when Jeremy returned home...we had a basement full of water. So, he spent this afternoon sucking water out of the carpet and capping the drainage pipe, so that I don't create any more messes. :) And, it's only Tuesday.

Sometimes I really wonder about the odds of the things that happen around here on a daily basis.

Neuros and IEP

2007-04-24T21:42:00.000-04:00

Colin's neurosurgery appointment was uneventful just as promised, and I am not complaining. He is healing fine and showing no signs of a redeveloping syrinx or tether. They will schedule him for the followup MRI sometime in June/July.

The IEP meeting went fine. Colin is doing really well. They have been working with him on lipreading this school year and he has made a lot of progress. They will begin working more aggressively, both in private sessions and the classroom on self advocacy. Colin has a lot of difficulty speaking up when he is having issues such as being able to hear, etc. Mostly because asking someone to repeat or letting them know that he has difficulty means he has to call attention to himself, which he does not like at all. So, they will be working to make him interact more one-on-one in situations with adults he is not as comfortable with around the school so that he can become more comfortable engaging in conversation with them going forward. I know this might seem silly to some of you, but it really is a big deal. It is extremely important for him to overcome his shyness to some extent so that he is able to convey to the adults around him when there are inadequacies in his learning environment so that he doesn't fall behind simply because he is missing information and the instructor is unaware.

But, all-in-all, he is doing really well. He is reading on grade level and his teacher bragged about his outstanding problem solving strategies. She said he looks at problems in a way that none of the other students do. Extraordinary...no doubt!

Annual Spring Colds...sniff.

2007-04-20T08:06:00.000-04:00

We all have colds. Jeremy and I for some reason seemed to have gotten the worst of it. Lucky us. Jeremy has been fighting it all week, and yet, has continued to go to work. He even worked double shifts the last 2 days. Love you! Thank you , thank you, thank you for always working so hard for us. The transition to this new job has been difficult financially, to say the least, and Jeremy has worked as much as possible, even 80 weeks at times...without so much as a single grumble.

My first full week of work went well. A little busy and a lot of hectic with the sickness and all, but I'm happy I chose to do this. I think it's going to be a great thing once I really get the hang of it.

Colin has a checkup with the neurosurgeon on Monday, which will be uneventful. They can't really tell us to much about his spinal cord from and external review, so the doctor will pretty much run down a list of questions, which we'll answer and she'll check how he's healing post-op...which is just fine. Most likely, we'll also discuss and start the scheduling process for his June MRI.

Next Wednesday is his IEP meeting...no idea what that stands for, honestly, at the school. To review the work his IEP teacher (not her title by the way) is doing as well as what the school can/is/isn't doing in regard to his unilateral hearing loss. This will be routine as well. Just a yearly, have to, kind of thing. My main topic of discussion: The routine letter generated by the school requesting my assistance in making sure Colin is missing as little school as possible. You know, it is difficult for them to teach the required curriculum if regular attendance is not encouraged on the homefront. If his absences are medical in nature, please provide the necessary document to prove so I know it was a mass generated letter, but it steams me nonetheless. The school is well aware that his absences are medical in nature. We do our best to make sure he misses as little school as possible. And, I still don't understand why, being that his counseler, nurse, his teacher, and the principal all received copies of the letter...I don't understand why one of them wouldn't have pulled it, noting that he does have a medical condition requiring obvious routine care. I know it's stupid, but when you are working so hard to be the best parents you can and juggle it all...it really sucks when someone questions your ability to do just that. Even if it was unintentional. I'm done ranting. It's been bothering me for weeks.

This week has been long and exhausting to say the least and ending it sick stinks.

Easter Pictures.

2007-04-17T08:51:00.000-04:00

It appears that I didn't have my flash on Easter morning, so most of the egg hunt pictures didn't turn out. Here are some from the day.

Our obsessively clean baby, picking fuzz, etc. from her feet. :)

Notice the pistol. Ha! :) She was aiming at Colin of course.

I've been neglecting my blog.

2007-04-11T20:37:00.000-04:00

No idea why. Just have been. So this post will be a schloo of updates.

The main man doc from Cali e-mailed me back. He is very interested in taking a look at Colin to assess the situation. He may provide the same answer as our current doctor, but it will be peace of mind if nothing else. Now we have to work out insurance logistics...ugh...and figure out when to schedule the appointment. We already have a visit scheduled with my Dad in July, so that'll probably be it. Hate to wait that long, but obviously can't really just take off to Cali. I'll cancel the May 1 surgery for now...and figure the rest out later. Never got around to calling local docs for a second opinion yet, still on the to-do list.

I have lots of cute Easter pics, I'll post those tomorrow. The kids of course had a wonderful weekend and the holiday itself was great.

Chloe is adding word after word and finally says Ma Ma!!!!!!! Yippee! So happy. She also says a dun (all done) and pup up (puppy). I love it. She is so sweet.

I haven't actually started working yet, but tomorrow is supposed to be the day. Wish me luck!

April Showers Bring...

2007-04-05T08:34:00.000-04:00

Termites. So, when it rains it pours. We found out on Tuesday that we have termites in our basement. We've been having a little leaking in the corner of our laundry room, so Jeremy went down to remove the carpet and assess the situation. His discovery: Termites. The pest control guy came to verify Wednesday, and they will begin treating before the end of the month. Between the water and bug damage, we will be replacing a great deal of drywall, trim, and obviously the carpet will need to be removed. We will most likely also have to have a new floor poured to eliminate the cracks causing the leaking, and the list goes on. Yuk.

I Got a JOB!

2007-04-03T08:41:00.000-04:00

In less than a week from getting my final results, I received a job offer! And, it happened to be with my #1 choice of companies to work for! And they offered me a little more money than I was expecting! So, I'll be working on an oncology account, which I think will be okay. It happens to be an area that I struggled with in the course, but I'll take that as a challenge. I'm so excited to get started! Jeremy and I are going to spend the day getting my office set up and ready to go. Interested in being an MT? Check out this site. In exactly six months, I completed the course and got a job from home! I'm so happy I decided to do this! I'll never have to go work in an office again! Yipee!

Measles...what?

2007-04-02T20:39:00.000-04:00

What are the odds? The vaccination Chloe got to keep her from getting the measles, gave her the measles. It's obviously a milder form, but the measles nonetheless. Here are a few pictures. The bumps are hard to see, but there are hundreds there. If you double-click on the picture, you can see them better.

She doesn't seem too bothered by the actual bumps, she actually hasn't really even noticed them. Although she definitly is sleeping a lot and is a little crabbier than usual.

Second Opinions, ENT.

2007-03-30T08:17:00.000-04:00

So, I've contacted the best-of-the-best, who happens to be in the Bay area, minutes from my Dad. What are the odds? I sent him pics of Colin's ears, etc. earlier this week, but haven't heard yet. I think I'll make a quick call later this afternoon to be sure that they were received. Colin's pediatrician also gave us a few numbers, so I'll spend today calling them to get their histories with microtia. I think the Cali. doc without a doubt will be #1 on our list. I've heard and seen a lot of great things he's done. Amazing rib graft reconstructions. A picture never lies...isn't that what they say?

Avrey Rose Jordan

2007-03-29T15:00:00.000-04:00

Very fitting. Welcome to the family, little niece! We're so happy to have you!

Welcome, Baby Jordan!

2007-03-28T12:06:00.001-04:00

My sister gave birth to another baby girl last night at 7:54 pm. Baby no name weighed 7 lbs. 15 oz. and was 20 inches long. So sweet. They are working on providing her with a name, but so far nothing seems to fit.

I PASSED!

2007-03-26T20:09:00.000-04:00

My medical transcription final! Yipee! With high honors! Now the job search begins! So happy this stage is past!

Patience.

2007-03-24T07:38:00.000-04:00

Everything comes gradually and at its appointed hour.

~Ovid

Chloe's 15-month Checkup

2007-03-23T14:52:00.000-04:00

If you're doing the math, you're absolutely right...she's 16 months, but she had a sinus infection at 15, so we rescheduled. All is well in the world of Chloe. She is perfect weight, above average height, and was the best little girl ever today. Doc said she has a little umbilical hernia. Nothing to stress over. It should correct itself eventually. And, she is a little delayed in her speech, but so was Colin at this point. So, I'm not concerned. She'll take off at some point, and I'm sure I'll be wishing that she'd stop talking for a moment when she does. :) Early intervention he says; no thank you says I.

She had to get 4 shots today, and as the nurse and I were holding her down, she thought it was a game of sorts and was wiggling and giggling until the first prick of the needle. Oh, if you could have seen the look that nurse got! It was a look that said, "What the? I thought we were playing here! And, who the heck are you anyway!" Her little head snapped back and the evil look was given...and then the tears began to flow. Poor girl. She was over it quickly and walked to the front counter to retrieve the golden prize: An Elmo Sticker.

ENT Recheck.

2007-03-22T19:12:00.000-04:00

Colin had a 6-month routine recheck with ENT today.

Finding #1: The tube in his right (unaffected) ear has come out. In its place is a hole in the eardrum. Causing the doctor to sarcastically term him "one of the lucky ones." Don't know why, but that comment is really sitting with me this evening. So, we have to be extra cautious to be sure no water enters the ear. We'll take time to see if the hole begins to repair itself. If not, he'll have to have it patched. Not sure what else this entails or details of danger...still have to look into all of that and talk to some folks. (Alicia, any input?)

Finding #2: His affected ear is settling back closer to his head and causing concern for possible infection, similar to the fall before Chloe was born, which landed us a few weeks in the hospital on IV antibiotics to ensure he didn't lose his rib graft and skin grafts. I had my suspicions about this heading into the appointment. It has become increasingly difficult to clean back there and I had noticed the skin becoming much softer. Soooo...as of right now, we tentatively have another surgery scheduled for May 1 to again take skin from his leg and have it grafted behind the ear to allow more room for air to get back there so that the skin is able to breath, thus lowering the risks for infection.

But, in the meantime, we've decided it's time for a second opinion as well. So, I'll be making some calls to have another doctor from a different hospital, maybe even state, take a look at the work that has been done and help us decide next steps. And, we'll be bathing Colin in hydrogen peroxide from now on to avoid infection. Just kidding...just a little on the ear twice a day. Honestly.

I hate the decisions. They never get easier and they never go away. They make my heart and mind ache. And, once again, so much for a routine appointment. I really should quit prenaming them as such, huh?

Colin's TCR Anniversary

2007-03-20T08:05:00.000-04:00

Yesterday marked the 3-month anniversary of Colin's tethered cord release. It actually seems like eons ago. That always happens...takes forever for the surgery dates to arrive, but then after they pass, the time flies by. Anyway, he'll be thrilled with this post when he's older, but we are thrilled with the outcome of the surgery.

Colin, even after potty-training, never really moved past nighttime bedwetting. We had no idea for sure if this typical kid bedwetting or if it was actually caused by the tethered cord itself, a sign of bladder failure. After his bout with Rotavirus in the fall, we felt that it might be the tethered cord, but there was no way to be sure until after the surgery. He lost all control of his bowel and bladder when he was sick and dehydrated in a matter of hours. It was really shocking.

Colin is doing great. In the past three months, he has only had 2 accidents! Only 2, both of which, by the way, I'm pretty sure were the result of forgeting to potty before bed. So, no doubt, he really was already showing signs of bladder failure. I am so thankfulf for that routine MRI, who knows where we would stand today had we not caught this so soon.

We'll have an MRI recheck in June to be sure that the cord is not retethering, and a checkup next month, which I am sure will be uneventful. He is healing really well and has had no issues since surgery. Happy Anniversary and good ridence tethered cord!

Happy 50th Anniversary, Ruth Elaine and Glenn!

2007-03-18T08:15:00.000-04:00

Jeremy's grandparents celebrated their 50th Anniversary Friday. We celebrated together as a family yesterday. It was so nice to have everyone all together. We had a professional photographer come to take pics, and I'm so excited to see how they turn out.

YIPEE!!!

2007-03-11T15:44:00.000-04:00

I Just finished my medical transcription final!!! It is done, and I think I did really well! I started it Friday night and had 48 hours to complete it. It took more than 20 hours and I am soooooo glad to be done. I won't find out my results for a little while, but I'm pretty sure I did well. Hopefully I passed with honors!

Thanks to all who helped make things work so I could get this done! Jeremy got called to work this weekend on Friday, and both of our moms became last minute babysitters!!! Thanks so much! Thanks also to Jerm for stepping up and being super Daddy and making things so easy on me this weekend so that I had no worries but the test itself! Love you as much as always!!

HUGE sigh...of relief.

Resentment...

2007-03-09T08:27:00.000-05:00

Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies.

- author unknown.

So when I used to have a "real" job, I wrote a newsletter. Every month I included a quote of the month; therefore, I was constantly looking for quotes with content and developed my own quote of the week system. I hung relevant quotes from my desk until they no longer suited. So, I'm bringing back the quotes. My new pegboard...this here blog. Why? Dunno. Something to do I suppose, you know, since I have nothing going on! So feel free to take today's quote and run. Hope it makes your pegboard.

Cute to Boot.

2007-03-07T09:45:00.000-05:00

Cutest picture of the day. Chloe is obsessed with her slippers (or boots as Colin calls them). Every morning, she brings them to me to put on. We took a pic today to share with Natalie (aka: supplier of the boots). Thanks, Nat! They're getting great use!

Chloe's Word List.

2007-03-07T09:06:00.000-05:00

To the calls of Da, Dada, Daddy, Dadoo...we can now add Spongebob. Yep. That's right. The child will not say Mama, but has mastered Spongebob. Which sounds a little like Spodgeboob...but still.

So now she says:
The variations of Dad
Uh-uh (no)
Der (Brother)
Har (Harley)
and Spodgeboob.

She also repeated something on the lines of mustard yesterday, but hasn't really stuck with that one, so it hasn't been "officially" added to the list of knowns.

On the spongebob note...Colin also gave this word a quirky twist early on, which brought many laughs to me and his Dad. He affectionately called Spongebob Squarepants "Punchbob Queerpants" until somewhere during his third year. So Spodgeboob and Punchbob it is.

The Weekend and such.

2007-03-06T05:18:00.000-05:00

This weekend was so nice. Pretty non-eventful, and therefore, relaxing. Friday I helped with the Half-Day Ministry at our church. Whenever the kids have a half day at school, we provide crafts and activities for K-6. Colin brought his buddy, Aiden. Saturday was spent convincing Colin that it was time to let go of some of his toys and to donate them so other kids who didn't have so many could enjoy them. We actually were able to fill three nice size boxes. Sunday we visited with Gram and Pap Ferra. Jeremy's Uncle Alan and his wife Selma were visiting with Vinnie as well, so that was nice. Chloe and Vinnie are just about old enough to "play."

This week I am preparing to take my final for the medical transcription course I've been taking. I'll start the exam on Friday with 48 hours to complete it. I'm nervous and excited. And very ready to be done and move on to other things...like a job. :)

Get the Most Out of It.

2007-03-01T19:47:00.000-05:00

Colin's appointment's went really well today. Audiology was uneventful. We have pretty much come to the conclusion that Colin won't wear the BAHA with the band. It makes him itch and sweat, and not surprisingly, he is unable to pronounce the benefits as worthy for such annoyance. So, our choices are to have an abutement placed...another surgery. They basically implant a metal button on his skull, behind the ear, to which the hearing aid attachs. There are obvious benefits of having the aid, and it would be much less annoying and bothersome for him to use daily. But, as parents, this is where the decision, once again, become difficult. There are also obvious concerns that come in regard to the social aspects of the aid and another "unncessary" surgery. I say unnecessary soley because it would not be required to keep him physically healthy. So, we have to talk...to each other and to him. But there's no rush and we have lots of time to decide what's right.

As far as his orthopedic appointment, his spinal curvature is unchanged. YAH! So no brace, not now, and hopefully not ever. His doctor also said that he believes that he has made it through two major growth spurts in the last year, unbraced and with no increase in the curve, and he thinks the chances are high that he will never reach the point of needing any type of rods or VEPTR surgery. Not that things can't change, but he is hopeful that his growth will not greatly effect his curvature. YAH!

Before heading to Children's we stopped by Jeremy's moms work for a quick visit. One of her coworkers made a comment as we left to make the "most of these trips, that's all you can do." Which made me chuckle. But, on the drive down, after dropping Chloe with Pap and Gram Carnahan (Thanks again!!), I realized how much I really do enjoy the uninterupted time with him. It's nice to talk and to listen to him replay the world as he sees it.

Here are a few of today's random thoughts from our little man:

After leaving the McDonald's Drive-Thru:
"Man, this McDonald's is good! We need to ask them their secret! It's better than the other McDonald's!"

As we headed to the city:
"We're in Pittsburgh, aren't we. You don't even have to answer. I know it from the satelitte 'WTAE, Channel 4, The Pittsburgh Channel!'"

As we went through the Squirrel Hill Tunnels:
"No, Mom! Don't head into the light! I said no! Come back!!!!"

As we headed toward the hospital:
"Yeah, I know why we don't live in the big city. People write on their walls and windows. It's all about the crime. People just do what they want in the city. That's why, huh..." and then he went on about a ranting homeless man. I was laughing so hard that I honestly don't remember what else he said.

So it's true, I do appreciate our appointment days. They are long, they are hectic, but they are also a break from routine and moments alone that we don't always get. And by the way, I love my kid. I laughed the entire trip down. And, as he slept on the way home I had some time to think. Colin forever changed my life in so many ways. God had a plan for me...he was it. Without him, I have no idea where I'd be right now, but I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't be anywhere near as content as I am today.

A Transition of Teeth.

2007-02-27T19:34:00.001-05:00

Colin finally lost that top front tooth. He looks so cute. I'll have to post a picture as soon as I can get him to sit still. He went to Aunt Alicia's with Mum-Mum for movie night and he's been a little bonkers all day. Thanks guys. He had a blast as usual! So in turn for him losing a tooth, Chloe got two more...six now. She might actually have a full mouth by the time she reaches two years old. So, for every one he's lost, she's gotten two. Other than that, things are normal, normal, normal here. We head to Children's Thursday for Audiology and Orthopedics appointments.

Alivia.

2007-02-27T06:16:00.000-05:00

I know I've mentioned her before, but today is an important day. She heads to the hospital today to begin chemo treatments in preparation for her bone marrow transplant next week. Please, please, please take many moments to pray for her and her mom and dad. How hard this struggle has to be.

Her mom posted this picture last night. Chloe and Alivia have the same hat and gloves. She is only months older than our baby girl. So hard to even imagine the battle they are fighting right now. Please pray. Thanks.

Read-a-Thon.

2007-02-24T21:14:00.000-05:00

Colin signed up today for a Read-a-thon to benefit Multiple Sclerosis. He is really excited about it and looking for pledges. Basically, you pledge a donation of so much per book, such as 50 cents per book, at the end of March, we'll total his books read and that times your amount will give us the total donation. He's really excited about it and plans to read at least 1 book a day. Thanks to NaNa and PaPa, the Jordan's, Gramie and Pop, and Grammie and Pap for your pledges! He's so excited. So far he's raised nearly $10.00. Just let me know if you would like to pledge as well, either via e-mail or a post.

By the way, he is doing this on his own, not through school, or an organization. We saw the flyer and I explained what it was for and he made the decision to take on the challenge. It's moments like these that let me know that as parents, we really must be doing something right. I'm a proud mommy. :)

Baby Blue Nose.

2007-02-23T17:55:00.000-05:00

This afternoon, Chloe's nose took on a slightly blue hue. Jeremy noticed it right after I finished feeding her blueberry yogurt. I swore it was the yogurt. I lost the bet. Nope, the whole left side of her little nose is bruised. Doesn't seem to be bothering her though! (Except when I tried to scrub the blueberry yogurt off! :) Oops!)

Chloe's Cold and Colin's Teeth.

2007-02-23T09:47:00.000-05:00

Chloe's had a runny nose for what feels like forever, so yesterday, after more than 2 weeks of wiping, we headed to the pediatrician. She has a sinus infection. After only 2 doses of amoxicillin, she seems remarkabley better.

Colin headed to the dentist today for a routine check-up. His jaw has shifted more over the last six months and his dentist is concerned with how tight his facial muscles are. The tightness is making is more difficult for him to open his mouth fully. So, he is going to consult with the craniofacial team and we are now on a 3 month recheck schedule for the dentist. So much for routine. The top middle front tooth he has left is incredibly loose, but will not come out. The dentist said that it is because of the lack of room for his adult teeth, the roof of his mouth is not expanding as wide as it should and is creating pressure around the tooth, which is no longer attached. So, as a result, the inflammation is causing an infection in the surrounding gums. But, not a single sign of decay! Yah! No cavities in sight.

Mom of the Year!

2007-02-22T08:58:00.000-05:00

Yep! Once again the award goes to: Me.

I took Chloe out to get Colin off the bus on Tuesday. Usually she rides in her stroller, but I figured she has already gotten so great at walking and the warm weather had cleared the sidewalks of snow...so I put on her shoes and off we went. She was walking great. As we stood at the bus stop, she let go of my hand and was standing, looking around, checking out the neighbor's twin boys. I started chatting with the other moms. Next thing you know, down goes Chloe. Unfortunately, she is still pretty top heavy and her face broke her fall. She had mud all over her cheek, up her nose, on her jacket. And scratches from her nose to her eye on the right side, as well as a cut, blood and all, on the right side of her nose.

Yep, mom of the year, that's me. :) As the night went on, her cheek swelled up and the scratches got redder. I'd post a pic, but my camera is MIA. Thankfully, baby skin heals well and the scratches are already pretty much gone. She just has a big old scab on her little nose. From the mouth of Nana "oh, poor baby girl!"

Happy, happy birthdays!

2007-02-20T10:08:00.000-05:00

Friday was Colin's Valentine's Day party at school. The kids had a ton of fun and it was great to be a part of that. Chloe visited with Gram and Pap Carnahan. Thanks so much for watching her! And Colin and I visited for a while in the afternoon after school. Saturday was a birthday party at the best bowling alley ever! Happy Birthday, Krystal! Colin got to use his glow-in-the-dark ball for the first time. Thanks, Aunt Sherri! He loved it and bowled a 92. Not bad for a little guy!

Sunday we visited at Gram and Pap Carnahan's with cousins Zachary and Hannah. So nice to see them! The kids spent hours, literally, playing in the snow. Building forts, sleding, shoveling. They had so much fun. Sunday evening we went to my sister's to celebrate my mom's birthday. Happy birthday, Nana! We love you.

And last night, we had family over for dinner to celebrate Jeremy's mom's birthday! Happy birthday, Mum-Mum! So, needless to say, it was a weekend filled with lots of cake and sweets. Everywhere we went, the kids got Valentine's gifts. So, there was a lot of chocolate consumed on top of all of the cake! But, all-in-all it was a lot of fun. Thanks to Mark, Zachary and Hannah, Nana, Gramie and Pop, and Mum-Mum for all of the fun stuff and sweets!

Thank to Sherri and Jeff for watching Clo Saturday so Colin and I could have a little Mommy-son time. Thanks to Jason and Alicia for driving us to the party and going above and beyond, as always, to help out!

Jeremy had to work Friday and Saturday night, so unfortunately he missed some of the celebrating. Thanks, babe, for working so hard for us and having to miss the fun stuff occassionaly. We love you, much!

Too dangerous.

2007-02-15T19:37:00.000-05:00

"In short, I think atresia surgery on Colin would be too dangerous especially with regard to his facial nerve," wrote the best of the best. Pretty close to the exact wording our doctor used as well. And, obviously, I wouldn't dare to put my boy in danger, so why am I still having such a difficult time accepting that it just isn't possible to provide him with natural hearing on his left side?

I knew that it was a long shot. I really trust our current doc. I guess I was just hoping that the "best-of-the-best" would see something more. sigh. It's not even the end of the world. He has great hearing on his right side. So, it isn't possible. It really and truly isn't.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. I am having a hard time with this one.

So I've Done It.

2007-02-12T21:05:00.000-05:00

I am officially a ChaCha guide. No, I won't be teaching dance lessons. Ha! So many of you are laughing at the mere thought! Stop it now!

ChaCha.com is a new search engine, like Google and Yahoo, except you have the option of having a live guide help you search. I am now said guide. Supposedly, you get paid, based on experience...anywhere from $5 to $10 an hour. So, I figured, I'm already on this hunk of technology for like 5 hours or so a day, for stuff for Colin and school and blogging and all of the other time wasting efforts of my life...might as well make a little income on the side.

I'll let you all know how it pans out. Could be a scheme, dunno. But, it was featured on Good Morning America and that Diane Sawyer, she's no joke!

Consumed.

2007-02-11T20:18:00.000-05:00

With finding a way to make money from home. Just until I make it through my MT schoolwork. I started researching to help my mom find viable opportunities for at-home income, and then started thinking about some off the opps that might work for me. We need to work harder at building the kids college funds. :) If you've tried anything, good or bad, I'd love for people to share experiences. Minus stuffing envelopes. I already gave that a try. :) So funny how obsessed I can become on a whim.

Game off.

2007-02-09T11:25:00.000-05:00

A phrase coined by a friend when her boys are out of control. I've stolen it today, because, simply stated: I don't feel like playing today.

Maybe it's the pile of laundry that's been laying in the same place all week. Maybe it's the snotty nosed baby that's been following me around tugging at my pajama bottoms, maybe it's the aftermath of the wasted trip yesterday, or the S key that keeps sticking when I try to type. Maybe it's the fact that I continue to write this blog and NOONE comments and I wonder why I bother, for me, for my kids, to avoid folding the laundry. Maybe it's the diet I've been on for 2 years and the lack of sugar in my system. Maybe it's the winter blues, or money blues, or my husband's blues rubbing off on me.

Maybe it's a combination. So, game off. Maybe I'll play nicer tomorrow.

There was a call...

2007-02-08T21:31:00.001-05:00

...apparently there was a call. A call that said "your doctor is sick, we had to cancel your appointment." Jeremy got the call when he got home from work. AFTER I picked Colin up early from school, we picked Nana up to come along, we listened to Chloe cry most of the trip down because she has a cold and she pooped (which we didn't discover until arrival), we listened to Colin complain most of the way there that he was STARVING, so so STARVING...and didn't want to listen to Chloe's video anymore, even though it was appeasing her for moments (quick moments), we parked in the garage down the street and bundled up and walked to the hospital, we rode elevator after elevator, we changed the diaper, we waited and waited and busied two kids in a crowded waiting room until the receptionist called our number to tell us there was a call. There was. Too bad it takes us hours to prepare, gather, drive, unpack and arrive. The call came after that started. Oooh, I knew I wanted this full day to be over quickly. 6 hours later we arrived home, but we know nothing, and we'll do it all again on March 1st to learn something, because "your doctor is sick."

Orthopedics today.

2007-02-08T10:07:00.000-05:00

Today is our recheck with the new ortho. doc. Hoping I will have little to say tonight because the x-rays come back with no change from the last appointment. That is what I am expecting. He has had little change over time in the overall curve, but has been growing like crazy. Please pray that his left side has kept up with the right and that everything looks excellent. Thanks.

Chloe is walking.

2007-02-06T19:13:00.000-05:00

For those of you concerned that she might never get the hang of it! :) She took off today across the living room. No more than probably 10 steps at any one time, but she is thrilled to be doing it. And, rather than us having to stand her up each time and coax her into doing it, she actually was pulling up on the furniture and turning herself around and walking to us. So cute. I teared up. These moments are so amazing. I mean, inevitably, I knew she was going to walk at some point. She's healthy, active, and was getting closer to doing it everyday, and yet, it still brought me to tears.

Colin enjoyed a super long weekend, thanks in part to in-service days and to the weather today for dipping below 0. He was thrilled. We took my mom to the docs for a check up. She is doing well. She had a much needed breast reduction 6 weeks ago. She is so going to kill me for making this public, but I figure, she finally told my grandmother, who by the way "didn't know such a thing was possible!" So, I figure, if Grandma knows, we might as well spread the word. She has really terrible arthritis in her back and was very, very large chested (sorry mom! the truth hurts!) Her doctors had been encouraging her for years to have this done, and she finally did. But, a procedure that was supposed to allow her to return to work in less than 2 weeks, has turned into a 6 week recovery. She is doing much better, and her doc is pleased. Apparently, she is just a slow healer.

Jeremy hasn't been feeling well for quite some time now. I guess about 3 weeks. They have checked everything...his heart, blood work, etc. And it has all checked out fine. They started him on medication today. Praying it helps. I want my husband back to normal. I am really worried about him, which doesn't ever happen. He's the one who takes care of all of us. So, hopefully this works, and things clear up for him.

Back, Ears, and Teeth...Oh, my!

2007-02-01T14:04:00.000-05:00

Next Thursday's appointment has set my mind a rolling. I've been trying to educate myself as much as possible on congenital scoliosis and the use of braces. Thought I'd share some of the information I've found so far:

>>The general rule is that bracing is ineffective for congenital bone malformations of the spine. An external brace can not correct or even support a spine that wasn't formed correctly in the first place. A brace does offer some support to the muscles and soft tissue for those extreme cases of kids who have neuromuscular disease or are unable to support themselves in a sitting position. A brace tends to be more work and frustration for parents and patients than its worth. Another thing rare situation is that long term bracing in very young kids can cause underdeveloped ribs. If the bones in the chest are not able to have free movement (in and out with breathing) they do not fully form. The in and out motion is what makes them mature and become solid bones.<< This information was received from a support group that I belong to, please keep in mind, that the information is not from a medical expert, but from a medical mom who has become quite an expert, her son, nearly 12, has undergone many surgeries for his CS, including VEPTR surgery, which is something we may consider further down the road with Colin.

>>Bracing is rarely used in congenital scoliosis as the primary treatment. Bracing has never been shown to profoundly change the pattern of abnormal growth that results from most vertebral malformations. It is sometimes useful to brace secondary curves that result from the congenital malformation.<< from iScoliosis.com. It also added that a brace may possibly prevent a curve from continuing to increase. May possibly.

So, I'm still not sold on rebracing. The rib issue is something I would really like to address if the topic represents itself, especially since Colin is primarily an abdominal breather...meaning that he tends to use his abdominal muscles to assist in breathing, especially when his breathing is labored.

I finally got all of Colin's CTs and MRIs, along with pictures of him and his most recent audiogram (hearing test) sent off to the perspective doctor in Virgina. I have been praying hard that as he examines all of Colin's information, he will see promise for opening his inner and outer canal on his affected side. This could provided him with complete or nearly complete or partial hearing on that side...any of which would be excellent. Our current doctor thought he was a candidate early on, thus the 4 outer ear reconstruction surgeries. Once the day came, he said that Colin's ear canals haven't grown at a significant rate and that he felt the canals were too close to the facial nerves on his left side to permit opening. But, this VA doctor is supposed to be one of the top two in the nation. He's done many, many of these repairs. I am praying he sees something different.

And, of a totally normal kid nature, we head to the dentist this month as well. Just for a cleaning, which I am sure our fruit-snack lover is much in need of.

Back on track.

2007-01-30T21:00:00.000-05:00

This week ends our spell of appointment-free weeks. With all of the free time over the past few weeks, ha, I've been focusing on being more goal-oriented about finishing my coursework. For those of you unaware, I am once again in school! (surprise, surprise) This time, I am taking online courses to become a medical transcriptionist, something that, aside from Colin's issues, I know nothing about. But, it is a job that I can do at home to provide a little extra income. Thus, the lack of blogging! Something had to go! But, I'm back. I'll try to be more dedicated to updating. Honest. And, thanks to those diligent friends of ours who let us know you really are reading it...feel free to post here as well!

Colin received his second report card of the year and all is well, especially after realizing he missed 12 of the 55 days this quarter. I think he's trudging right along at a great pace. He had his first visit to the principal's office last week. He has been pushing the limits both at home and at school lately, which is fine. A phase, I'm sure. His crime: crawling under his desk after being repeatedly asked to stop. The funniest thing is, his teacher told him to take a walk to the principal's office and when he got there, to decide if he was ready to go back to class and follow her rules...if not, he need to talk to the "man." Colin chose to talk to the head honcho. (I personally think he was being nosey and wanted to see how the big man spent his day.)

He still will only wear the BAHA sporadically, which is fine. I still have my heart set on this super-dooper, one of a kind doc to open his canal soon anyway. :) If not, then we will push it a little harder. To that note...I am having all of his CTs and MRIs sent this week to said doc, along with profile pics of our boy and audiograms...time will tell. This amazing man has agreed to take a look at all of his information, FREE OF CHARGE, so that we don't have to make a special trip for a visit until we know if he truly is a candidate. Blessings, little blessings!

Next week we head back to orthopedics with the new ortho. doc to re-x-ray and see if his curvature has changed, thus determining if he'll return to wearing his brace 24-7. Please pray that things remain unchanged and that I find guidance to make a good decision about what to do next if they don't. I really don't think that the brace has made a difference for him in the past, and the research I have done tells me that this is typical, and I'm finding it hard to follow the advice of our ortho. docs...I honestly don't hold the most confidence in any of them. We lost our primary doc to retirement a year or so ago, and nothing has felt right since. His treatment has changed entirely, along with their speculations on where it will go over time.

Chloe took her first unaided steps yesterday! Colin was ecstatic! He wanted to "practice" again with her tonight. So funny and cute. She has also taken to sitting in his lap at any given opportunity. He loves it. She loves it. I love it. It usually ends with her applying a good smack to his head before toddling off to find something else to occupy her time, but it is so darn cute, if at least for the moment.

And, for those of you unable to view the video below: Chloe has said "Dad" forever. It is the only word she says consistently. But,now, when prompted to say "Mom," she replies with a determined "uh, uh!" She knows what I want to hear; she's just not ready to satisfy my Mommy craving in that way yet. Such a little diva!

Chloe's First Words: Dad and Mom?...Uh, uh.

2007-01-29T19:23:00.000-05:00

Chloe has finally mastered another word in addition to "Dad," which she mastered well before her first year...thought I'd share this moment with you.

Oh, she is her Daddy's girl!

Quiet.

2007-01-23T20:25:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted because, well, things here have been pretty quiet, minus the crazy screaming kids, the barking dog, etc...but, really, things are incredibly calm and normal. Colin won't wear his BAHA. He says it doesn't help, and we're not pushing it. He's just been working away at school, homework every night. He is reading so well now. It's pretty cool. Not just because he can do it, but because he is so proud of himself for doing it. Chloe is all but walking. She can get around really well with the walker and has stood by herself on more than one occassion, that is, until she becomes aware, and then she immediately hits her knees. She's just scared at this point I think. She is becoming increasingly independent. Such a little diva...not a princess, although she looks like one! Princesses like to be waited on...divas just want what they want when they want it. That's our Clo. She wants to feed herself, she wants to comb her own hair (with, by the way, the same fork she feeds herself with), she wants to climb the stairs herself (both up and down), and the list goes on. I forgot how quickly that transition from baby to independence is. But, it is so much fun, too. And, you can tell she's getting older, because she is no longer a baby and her older brother has become sharply aware of the fact that he has to share with her...and neither of them are kean on sharing right now. We've had to pull her off of him a few times...she's a little bit of a bull. Can't imagine who she got that from. :)