Cyclical

My life is cyclical in regard to my emotions. I tend to go through serious bouts of depression periodically which directly correlate with Colin's 6 month check-ups. It was termed at one point by a doctor along the way as chronic grief. Before the next series of appointments, I can't seem to keep myself from panicking about the possibilities of what they might find. The routine appointments are absolutely necessary. They are the only way to catch something ugly before it gets too ugly and yet everything in me seems to avoid making them. I actually avoided making them earlier on in the year because "we had too much going on." I'm confessing here and now that the truth of the matter is that I wasn't ready to deal with the emotions that sweep over me. Partially because, indeed, we have too much going on and I didn't want to feel the way I have been with everything else happening at the same time. I could see the train wreck ahead. The whole thing backfired. I've spent the past 2 weeks fighting back tears daily, which I KNOW is ridiculous. I can try and convince myself of this as much as I want; it does not matter. The sadness and frustration will remain...for weeks, perhaps months. Sleepless nights, headaches, guilt, anger... I also find myself avoiding talking about it. I feel ridiculous. He's a great kid. There's nothing wrong. Everything is always fine, I say. The emotions remain. Usually I schedule far enough in advance that his appointments are bam-bam-bam right in a row. In this instance, they'll be spread from now until June. And today begins the countdown to our move 30 days left. This round of emotions have been exceptionally overwhelming.l. I wish I could put a stick in the wheel and stop the spinning...find a way to jam the process.