Back to Life, Back to Reality

This week has been so nice. So normal. So great. We celebrated Thanksgiving with all of Jeremy's grandparents...first the Ferra's for lunch and the Carnahan's for supper. So nice to see everyone and to relax! Friday was our 10 year class reunion. So much fun. So many people actually made it and it was great to see them all again. I forgot how much fun high school was. So few have changed. It was a great night. We had breakfast with the Blystone boys Saturday morning, which was about as much fun as Friday night! Thanks to every single person that made me smile and especially to those who made me laugh! Haven't laughed that much in a really, really long time!

Thanks to Gram and Pap Carnahan for keeping Colin and to Nana and Papa for watching Clo. Saturday was an amazing lazy day. We watched movies, took naps, and just relaxed! Same goes for today...not quite as relaxing though...Chloe is finally getting her FIRST tooth! So she's a bit cranky to say the least. And, she wants nothing to do with me...at all. Poor Jerm was a little cranky, too! And, Colin woke up with another cold. Hasn't hit the chest yet, so I'm praying hard it stays in his sinuses. If it goes to the chest, surgery will have to be postponed, and that scares me.

Tomorrow...back to reality. We meet with the neurosurgeon. I think I'll feel more at ease after the appointment...I hope. I'm the type of person that thinks of all of the what-if's, so the more information I have, the more I understand, the more at ease I usually am. The past few weeks have made me more at ease with everything anyway...I think I've sort of gone through a weird sort of mourning process. Not sure if this will make sense, but figured I'd try to explain it for those of you who have dealt with psycho me recently. :)

See...in the past 6 years, we always felt like we knew what we were dealing with. We have been told time and time again about the many things that could happen, but of course, nothing major ever has...we dealt with ear issues, and basically ran under the "it will never happen to us" theory. Then in August, we went for a routine dentist appointment and discovered Colin's facial bones were shifting pretty dramitically (just over the last 6 months.) But, that was the first time one of the possibles became a definite. Then, the spinal cord, which actually, we didn't even see coming. Now the neck bones. Every check-up has brought something else with it. So, I've been mourning. Mourning the fact that I can't still pretend that those possibles will never happen to my boy. Now, all I seem to be thinking about are the possibles and there are so many, and so many of them are so very scary. So, I'm scared. For the first time...I'm scared. Because there will never be anyway to predict it all...to ever know what tomorrow holds. But, I'm getting a little closer to excepting that. Not there, but closer.

What else can I do? I am Mommy first, everything else after. And, I am no help to anyone when I am swimming in a pool of self pity. Yep, it's true I feel bad for myself. As hard as I try not to, I do it. I hate that I do, but sometimes when I'm really tired, I hate it all for me and especially for him. And then I feel bad for him...this Mom that wants NOONE to feel bad for him, does it herself. Ughhh! I hate that, too. But, life goes on, and everyday is new. So, I'm working under the "try not to make others around me miserable" philosophy these days. That's hard too.